Eble ne estis bona ideo por vi vidi ion tiel internan, sen esti renkontinta vin.

Hi-ho! Test post

March 23, 2026

Monday 9:34AM



ENTRY#12



Hello, it’s been a month since I last posted anything—such as updates on my blog, my art page across platforms, and my website on Nekoweb. I remember my promise back in December 2025 that I would post a tutorial on how I draw urban sketches on Ibis Paint X, especially since I’m now using a tablet. But unfortunately, I got busy with household chores, doing eldest daughter duties, and going to work. Sometimes, I still try to self-study at work because I don’t want to feel stuck with my skills.



Yeah, speaking of work… in the past weeks, I experienced SA—you know, sexual assault or harassment. It’s kind of traumatizing, and I haven’t healed yet. It happened on Saturday, March 14, 2026, around 3:39 PM or 4:00 PM. I was on duty until 5 PM, and it was my bathroom break. There was a guy—I don’t know what he was doing, but I saw him with some papers, trying to gather or fix something. Then he asked me why I hadn’t gone home yet. I told him that me and sir were on duty until 5 PM. He nodded and went straight to the bathroom.



After that, he was still working on some papers, and I asked him something. We had a little chat, but then he started acting weird. He stood up and tried to shake my hand, but my hand was wet. I was about to go out to the pantry when he started approaching me in a strange way. He touched my hands, my cheeks, and then hugged me. The good thing is I was able to block my chest from him, but I mentally froze. I was really confused because I don’t like being touched.



I walked away >_< Creepy… what a creep. He even thought I was scared of ghosts or entities, that’s why he hugged me—but hell no. I was in the office trying to process everything in my mind, like, “What the hell just happened?” TT_TT



I told my friend Bia what happened. Then, two days later—Monday, March 16, 2026—I reported everything that happened during my duty on Saturday. I told sir and HR. From their faces, I couldn’t tell if they were disappointed in me or in that guy, because they kept talking about how he is as a person, like “he’s like this, like that,” blah blah blah. Like, what the hell? A dude is a dude. T_T



They eventually punished him, and only then did they realize what he did was wrong. But seriously, that was literally sexual assault.



P.S. I’m still recovering. I’m not fully healed yet.



sincerely,

🍀 𝐿𝓊𝒸𝓀𝓎𝓁𝑒𝒶𝒻🍀

Ok. hoy genuinamente pensé en abandonar la carrera. Estaba normal revisando mi sílabo (un infierno por cierto) que para animarme murmuré la frase "yo elegí esta carrera". Mi madre, al lado, no hizo nada más que resonar mi sentimiento. Eso me frustró tanto, porque traté de convencerla tantas veces de cambiarme de la misma.



¿Pero, realmente elegí mi carrera? O acaso es el "mal menor" en un mundo que cada vez se enfoca más en el dinero, el "éxito". ¿Realmente mi primera elección?

Tal vez, en otra vida, logré enfrentarme a mis padres y logré estudiar historia o filosofía. Siempre me gustó enseñar, pero como dijo mi padre: "hay que ser un emprendedor".



Agh, odio esa frase, y es mi mayor miedo terminar así. Tal vez, mi destino estaba escrito desde que decidí ser una people pleaser con ellos, o tal vez, tal vez, esté encerrada en una caverna. Y a pesar de ver la luz, decido encerrarme y autoconvencerme que aunque sea, tuve algo de agencia en esta decisión.



En fin, siento que esta es una carrera sin final. Donde algunos tienen ventaja, ya sea por sus familias, o por que genuinamente les gusta este desafío. Lamentablemente, a mí no tanto.

This is nsfw content.

It's also not helping that I watched something very unpleasant so I feel all nauseous and I can't sleep at all. My stomach is hurting and my mood is really bad and I'm expecting my period tomorrow.

It's been months since I've been truly at peace now. Love is hard. I don't know what the right thing to do or say is. All I know is what I want is clearly not matching what he wants. I don't know why. I love him very much and I think he does too, but come on now I'm just TIRED OF FCKIN PHONE CONVERSATIONS AND I WANT TO MEET HIM ALREADY. HALF ENDED MISCOMMUNICATION OVER TEXT AND CALLS AND NOT A MOMENT OF SILENCE. I JUST WANT TO STAY SO CLOSE QUIETLY AND I DON'T EVEN GET THAT! NEITHER IN REAL LIFE, NEITHER ON THE SCREEN. I AM SO COMPLETELY PISSED WITH ALL THIS. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M FCKING UP. EVEN AS I WRITE THIS I'M BREATHING SO FAST. BECAUSE I KNOW NOTHING WILL CHANGE. I CANNOT LEAVE. THAT WILL KILL ME.

AND IF I STAY IT'S SO GODDAMN PAINFUL - I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HE REALLY WANTS, AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WHAT WE WANT IS NOT THE SAME ANYMORE. I WAS SO RELIEVED WHEN I USED TO THINK WE WANT THE SAME THING BUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? WHAT IS IT THAT I WANT? WHY IS IT SO DEFINITELY DIFFERENT FROM WHAT HE WANTS? I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT I'M MESSING UP. ALL I WANTED WAS LOVE AND HAPPINESS AND I'VE BEEN THINKING ALL THIS WHILE I'D GOT IT, BUT LOOKS LIKE IT'S NOT THE SAME FOR EVERYONE. WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKED UP CASE? YES, I DON'T WANT ANY FUCKING GREAT THINGS. I FUCKING DON'T. I DON'T GIVE A SINGLE FLYING FUCK. IT'S NEVER GIVEN ME HAPPINESS AND NEVER WILL. I JUST WANT TO BE IN THE SAME FREQUENCY AS HIM OR QUIT THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL AND JUST DIE. THIS IS TORTURE. I HAVE TO KEEP PRETENDING SO MUCH. BUT IF I DON'T I CAN'T STAY. I HAVE TO KEEP PRETENDING LIKE I CARE ABOUT BIG THINGS OR THAT I'M UNBIASED OR PROGRESSIVE. WHY DO I HAVE TO PRETEND? THE REASON IS ME, AGAIN. I FEAR THAT IF I DON'T, I WON'T GET TO STAY. BUT I CANNOT REALLY CARE ANY MORE ABOUT THESE THINGS EVEN AFTER PRETENDING FOR MONTHS NOW. I FEEL LIKE A LOST CAUSE. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN EVER FIX THIS. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO ASK FOR WHAT I WANT FREELY WITHOUT BEING SO GUILTY. WHAT IS IT THAT I'M MESSING UP?!!

i have always been so afraid of existing and ashamed of signs of my existence. Evidence and acknowledgement embarrassed me, yet I would sometimes fantasize about a different me, worthy of it and okay with it. Sad as a child but tiresome as an adult. There is no ideal time , only now.

i think it's hard to remember to not take life too fast sometimes. keep in touch, why are you in such a hurry? why am i?

i'm always so worried about getting things done that i forget to enjoy things and be with my people. i also need to find more of "my people", i guess...

i really hope i die soon i dont want to make it past 25 or get anywhere near that. my life is completely useless. all i do is annoy people by existing. i think my friends hate me because they never talk to me. i wish they'd tell me they hate me