i was having really bad headaches and nausea for at least two weeks straight. like really bad, maybe they were migraines but i've barely had any and can't really tell the difference. anyways, it got so bad that i had to wake my mom up in the middle of the night to tell her i was in extreme pain, and i burst into tears when i did. which was not my intention, i cannot stand crying in front of someone, but i was so emotional from the constant pain that i just ended up crying.

we ended up lying on the couch together and watched the fourth harry potter movie until i could fall asleep (fuck jk rowling, but the movies are a special part of my childhood with my mom).

the next day i called my doctor and we decided i'd stop my meds. i was honestly kinda worried that the meds weren't the source of problem and i was going to stop them for no reason, but since i've stopped i haven't had a single headache or felt any nausea! which is a good thing, but i'm just so surprised. it was only 1% of people taking the meds that experience headaches after longer than two weeks on it. i can't imagine being in the 1% of anything, so i was in denial for a little bit. but i feel better now, although my fingers are starting to flare up again. the meds were for my arthritis, and now without them it's gonna start bugging me again. but i much prefer the pain in my fingers over my head.

i think i've done fairly good this time round... if i do get a good score i'll be relieved more than anything else. i've 4 hours left- take off 30 minutes for lunch, so i've 3.5 hours. alright, let's revise this once.

added new stuff. taking a break from uploading dream journal entries for a while, but i found some old drawings to upload, so that's nice.

should i just leave? i definitely cannot exist like this for my whole life and it's very, very, very clear that it's only me who's feeling this. he's absolutely not. but as always, like EVERY FUCKING time, something has come up (my exams) and i cannot discuss this today, again. i wish i was a flower.

i tried really hard to put together clearly what i feel. because it's not just any stupid fear or insecurity anymore and i gotta be clear about it. but today's not the day to say it, either...

I need him to understand that this isn’t only about insecurity or me not understanding programming.

I think the overall dynamic between us has started exhausting me emotionally, and I’ve been struggling to explain that properly. When he gets really excited and goes deep into long discussions about programming, politics, ideas, etc., I know he's just being himself and sharing what he loves. But for me, it often feels emotionally overwhelming instead of connecting. I think part of it is tied to my own history with constantly feeling pushed toward “potential,” math/science, intellectual curiosity, and all of that. So even when he means well, something in me shuts down and starts feeling small, pressured, or disconnected. And the hard part is that I still care about him a lot, so I keep trying to force myself to feel okay with it instead of admitting how drained I’ve actually been feeling. I mean, I don't have an answer if he says "So what do you want me to do?"

I’m not saying he's wrong for being who he is. I’m saying I don’t think he fully understands what this dynamic feels like from inside my head. I don’t fully know what the fix is yet, and I think that’s part of why I’ve been struggling so much. I just know that the current dynamic keeps hurting me emotionally, and I can’t keep pretending it doesn’t. I’m not bringing this up to him because I have a perfectly structured solution already. But when I do, I’m bringing it up because I need him to understand that this has become real and serious for me. It's not just an insecurity anymore.

I think one of the hardest things for me to admit is that I’ve been feeling emotionally incompatible for a while, even though I kept trying to push past it. It’s not because he's a bad person or because I don’t care about him. I do. But a lot of our day-to-day conversations and the overall dynamic between us don’t feel emotionally natural or comfortable to me anymore, no matter how much I try to force myself to adjust to it. I keep feeling like I’m trying to become someone who naturally thrives in this kind of constant analytical, intense communication style, but I don’t think that’s actually who I am. And because I care about him, I kept hoping I could eventually make myself feel differently instead of admitting that I’ve been struggling with this for a long time.

I've been doing pretty well mentally overall. I was a lesbian but i met a guy that i actually like...and hes actually a decent person... waow. Unfortunately i am the proud owner of $50 only to my name so im planning a date to get some money at least for a car payment, so close to owning!

i feel like such a disease. i feel like every time someone interacts with me im dragging them down with me for as long as we're talking. i dont think im meant to have friends. i think i need to get as far away from them as possible for good. i need to

slowly adding more photos. more urbex and concert photos coming soon. going to start on uploading stories directly to my site rather than just relying on wattpad. i hate wattpad.

i have motivation to work on a lot of idol things finally ! i have a lot of things to do and plan, but i feel very creative recently ... let's get to work nya

i get the most energy at night, so i haven't slept ... during the day, i'm so sleepy, but at night i feel motivated to do so many things