It's also not helping that I watched something very unpleasant so I feel all nauseous and I can't sleep at all. My stomach is hurting and my mood is really bad and I'm expecting my period tomorrow.

It's been months since I've been truly at peace now. Love is hard. I don't know what the right thing to do or say is. All I know is what I want is clearly not matching what he wants. I don't know why. I love him very much and I think he does too, but come on now I'm just TIRED OF FCKIN PHONE CONVERSATIONS AND I WANT TO MEET HIM ALREADY. HALF ENDED MISCOMMUNICATION OVER TEXT AND CALLS AND NOT A MOMENT OF SILENCE. I JUST WANT TO STAY SO CLOSE QUIETLY AND I DON'T EVEN GET THAT! NEITHER IN REAL LIFE, NEITHER ON THE SCREEN. I AM SO COMPLETELY PISSED WITH ALL THIS. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M FCKING UP. EVEN AS I WRITE THIS I'M BREATHING SO FAST. BECAUSE I KNOW NOTHING WILL CHANGE. I CANNOT LEAVE. THAT WILL KILL ME.

AND IF I STAY IT'S SO GODDAMN PAINFUL - I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HE REALLY WANTS, AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WHAT WE WANT IS NOT THE SAME ANYMORE. I WAS SO RELIEVED WHEN I USED TO THINK WE WANT THE SAME THING BUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? WHAT IS IT THAT I WANT? WHY IS IT SO DEFINITELY DIFFERENT FROM WHAT HE WANTS? I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT I'M MESSING UP. ALL I WANTED WAS LOVE AND HAPPINESS AND I'VE BEEN THINKING ALL THIS WHILE I'D GOT IT, BUT LOOKS LIKE IT'S NOT THE SAME FOR EVERYONE. WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKED UP CASE? YES, I DON'T WANT ANY FUCKING GREAT THINGS. I FUCKING DON'T. I DON'T GIVE A SINGLE FLYING FUCK. IT'S NEVER GIVEN ME HAPPINESS AND NEVER WILL. I JUST WANT TO BE IN THE SAME FREQUENCY AS HIM OR QUIT THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL AND JUST DIE. THIS IS TORTURE. I HAVE TO KEEP PRETENDING SO MUCH. BUT IF I DON'T I CAN'T STAY. I HAVE TO KEEP PRETENDING LIKE I CARE ABOUT BIG THINGS OR THAT I'M UNBIASED OR PROGRESSIVE. WHY DO I HAVE TO PRETEND? THE REASON IS ME, AGAIN. I FEAR THAT IF I DON'T, I WON'T GET TO STAY. BUT I CANNOT REALLY CARE ANY MORE ABOUT THESE THINGS EVEN AFTER PRETENDING FOR MONTHS NOW. I FEEL LIKE A LOST CAUSE. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN EVER FIX THIS. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO ASK FOR WHAT I WANT FREELY WITHOUT BEING SO GUILTY. WHAT IS IT THAT I'M MESSING UP?!!

i have finally found a gang for myself to create a ruckus with! a reason for me to go out of my room and yell and laugh like a maniac. too long i've been filtering out people and looking for friends like i'm hiring people with defined qualities- now it's time to have fun! my mischievous side has found good companions and now i'm going to raise hell!

i'm just happy i won't be lonely anymore. not having friends is such a bummer. neither can i stay energetic in the day (the only reason for my waking and eating was to study which is dry, i gotta admit), nor do i get to simply sneak up on someone and give them a good whack for no reason. my introverted self has pushed me so much, that even if i'm childish, i lost my mischief and a day full of a noisy, ruckus-y gang is really starting to grow on me. i hope this will bring back the energy in me (and maybe this sounds cliche but also boost my efficiency- happy, relaxed minds always work better! like, c'mon, look at these people! they perform the same as me and do much more, but they're so much more energetic than i am!), take away my loneliness and simply lets me have friends, for once. i really hope this gang stays and i become a top-notch mischief maker soon!

bonus- my whole gang can speak my language which is something i'd really like in a friend that i would mess around with a lot! it's not often realized (even i forget it sometimes) that your own language just hits different and so obv you'd keep (even if just keep) a circle of people who can at least speak your own language.

all in all- i've been putting effort into work but i shut out friendships for so long that it's refreshing at this point. especially when this is the first time in years that i get to plot mischief. i haven't been full blown-out expert at anything yet, and there's no point in shunning friendships. if anything they will only boost the way i work, because i'll be happier.

the previous post got too long (-_-). well... story to be continued next time!

just because i am very much in love today. and just because i would like to- i am going to post the first part of the story of how I learnt love.

we were hardly fourteen when we met. we were stupid kids in middle school. i had just transferred into this new school very apprehensively... and initially, it was very clear that he and i did not get along. i was always at loggerheads with him in class, outside and everywhere else. it wasn't a really comfortable place for me. it was a very different place with different people who did not really like me. and he didn't harbor any real hate for me. he simply loved to piss me off. everything was just pushing me to be a complete menace. i wasn't having a terrible time, but i wasn't having fun either. luckily, i knew how to keep myself happy despite the occasional clouds of teenage insecurity that really got me sometimes.

but, as time passed, to him, somehow it was very clear that he loved me. not any romance drama but he simply *loved* me. i was much more childish still- i was continuing to fight with him all the time. he was sure he'd found the one, and i had no idea of this and just ploughed on with my life with him as a background character.

another year or so passed and i was now 15 and much more stable now, having experienced much more difficult things and having understood that life gives you all kinds of tastes. i had gotten rid of the rest of the toxic people (they're all so toxic in their teens, aren't they?) who had surrounded me until then- and the only one who came up to talk to me was him. gradually he became the only person i'd talk to openly. i had my friends in class- but they were just not the same. he was and is extremely smart (but also very stupid!) in my view but he really *got* me. he yapped (and still does -_-) a lot and i liked hearing to him. we'd talk across the road as we cycled away our evenings together, each of us having finally found that safe space we craved. he wanted to be heard, i wanted to be understood. those were the best, most memorable evenings of my life. i do not remember what we talked about, or why i didn't give them too much 'best evenings' attention- but i was really, really, really happy. so happy that i wasn't caring about thinking of anything any more, but my family had to move again. so i would have to go. when he got to know, he asked how i would like to get my back from him for being a jerk to me. i, like an average kid, answered that i would like to slap him. i slapped him that evening at sunset. he was reli

i have an exam tomorrow... and it's important i do well this time, because even if i did okay last time, i'd like to get back my confidence by actually doing well. it will help me in a lot of ways to do well. let's see... there's one subject i've done well, and one i haven't but i'm working on it right now, and i really think i can do well. all the best to me!

what is this hollow space i feel inside me? i mean, i kinda know but still... is not being happy equal to being sad? too sleepy to think about it. but still, it keeps messing with my sleep. i want to be free already. but i do not have a choice. i want to sleep for once without crying to get things out... i do not want to be so sad. let's hope i sleep. i sure miss the days i'd fall asleep so easily.

1. study

2. do exams well

3. get some good sleep

4. watch all kung-fu panda movies

5. do some art

6. live it up the day after exams end

7. start working on some necessities the next day

i messed up the end of my previous post, somehow. anyway, all i'm saying- there's no need to be cruel or judge (everyone is built different, you got no right to validate or invalidate ANYONE!). just be loving, and free. don't latch yourself. you validate yourself. your strength is always yours. use it for what you feel right.

i've become somewhat of a work machine since i think, three days. this stretch, mode, whatever has come after almost an year, maybe. feels good. so i've started being somewhat direct. i don't know if that's a good change. i mean, normally i'm quiet af and don't say things that actually need to be said- so maybe this is actually a good change. my emotional bandwidth is somewhat low, but this work mode will probably pay off because i have exams upcoming.

actually, this is just me being super-egoistic. this low-emotion-bandwidth has stemmed from extreme emotions. that's funny. this is me wanting to take revenge knowing that i'm right. i'm right to want to be happy, and only happy. i'm right to feel whatever the hell i felt, because yes, it hurt and why should i put up with it? i'm doing this to prove my philosophy right. comfort and happiness, for me, will always win over 'potential' or 'learning'. that is just how i am and imma prove it now. the bighead idea of these fancy things forgets that everything done in the end just narrows down to you tryna be happy. eh. rolls eyes.

anyway- big lesson for me, too- enough of beating myself up for everyone and everything. i can't be that invalid, surely. i don't really have to do this. i don't have to take everything upon myself all the time. sometimes, sure. not all the time, though. the reason i do these things is to keep me and my loved ones happy but if i'm so crushed every moment of every day it will completely morph me into an unhappy, boring soul.

ah. well. make friends. i understood this. attention deficit can be terrible. if you find it difficult, it's okay- it's not all entirely your fault but you'll be the one to be cooked so better adjust a bit and sail along with people who might not click exactly right rather than be so drowned in loneliness. if you're easy with people, good for you!

the worst thing you can do if you have low self-esteem is to damage it even more. if something hurts just throw it aside. you don't have to keep simmering with anything that hurts your self-esteem. it's not for you. you just picked the wrong emotion. it can be scary at first, but just try peeling it off a bit. it'll get better in no time.

whatever happens, don't let yourself fade. give some importance to yourself, too. you don't have to be worth anything because you're already very, very expensive. don't worry. you have your own glitter that no one else does. value yourself. fight for it when you know you're right. there's no damn need to back off.

nah, i'm n

Now this is a simple, obvious thing that everyone knows but I, just like you at some point, have been excessively been worrying about every tiny thing that showed signs of going wrong. Things that can potentially go wrong in your life will never stop sprouting out of nowhere. They'll keep coming. All your life. That unfinished assignment, those chores your mom told you to do before she comes home, things you haven't talked out with your partner, that nagging feeling you forgot something? They will never cease to exist. The sheets will never be smooth enough.

Because they will never end anyway- you will never experience the happiness that comes when everything is 'perfect' (because that happiness doesn't exist anyway, lol). So I think I should just embrace the imperfections of my life, and stop being so anxious. I sometimes am surprised at my own strength at not giving a damn about some things- but at the same time I worry excessively about several other small things. Funny. I'll tell you- I have been so stupid- I fell in love to be happy, and then started worrying about everything in it. That's the simplest example. He's going to stay with me my whole life. Things will keep popping up all the time. I can't always be perfect and neither can he. All this is highly embarrassing

for me to admit even anonymously, but unless I do, how am I going to look back at some point when I do this stuff again and realize I can just choose to stop?

So, just choose. Choose to stop. Choose to stop caring about everything so much. Embrace the imperfection. Don't shun it- and don't try to be perfect. Just have fun. It's okay. Sometimes, things can hurt. Just don't cascade into a spiral of anxiety, and if you do remember that there's a way back. Get out of it and live your life.

Yep. That's all the wisdom I have to drop for today. And I dropped this without even having ice-cream ;)

You reading this, penguin? I love you (^ ^)

nothing. not even happiness. not even the person you love. you have to work for everything. and it's not always mechanical work. it's more of the emotional and mental work, to be frank. you have to hold your patience, allow yourself to be tested and toasted over and over again, and hold up anyway. all you can do is do your best to hold up and hope that it will suffice and it will be worth it. looks like i will have to summon the rough me again. i was hoping i'd never have to take that me out again- but hey, like i said, nothing seems to come for free. alright. let's get to work.

i need to find ways to lessen distraction. ugh.

It's a sunny, beautiful, fast-paced but happy day today! I have been energetic so far, and I think I can get some good work done today. I woke up and heard his voice. His sleepy voice when he's snuggling in my arms and says 'I love you' is the best thing I've ever heard. I took a nice bath and had a good breakfast. I studied for a bit and went to my class, listening to and singing along songs. Everything looks so pretty today. He looked the prettiest. The sky, the flowers, my friends, everything is so pretty today. And when I take a break, I'll eat and nap with him :)

Sometimes things may seem hopeless. If you too are like me (future me, you too, read this if you're making the same mistake), please know, that even things that seem 'cringe', even if they are, work as long as they keep you happy, as long as you like them. Please don't be harsh on yourself in the pursuit of turning yourself absolutely zero cringe. That won't happen. You're a living, breathing human. If you love, of course you'd be 'cringe' at some corner. 'Cringe' is not a bad thing. If you're sad, please know that it will be okay. (^ ^) I, too, was extremely sad just two days ago. But that is how life goes, isn't it? Cry it out if you will, but never stop believing that all pain will come to an end. It always does. And never stop loving. You are going to be just fine. You will be happy. Trust me :)

I have been doubting myself in every possible way for the last few days. I even doubted if I was good enough to love or be loved. But I forgot. Love does not see- how pretty you are, how skilled you are, what your game is. I had my insecurities, but it hurts the worst when you feel you don't deserve love. It's fine, really. Everyone deserves love. You, too, certainly do. Love isn't something that comes with merit. And no, this is not a merciful thing. You are never not good enough to feel loved. You are a human. You're a good human. And there's always a way for you to be what you'd like. Because it's *you*, something that's controlled only by *you*. So I chose to love <3

I hope the day stays like this.

the day is getting better. i'm falling in love with him, all over again.

i'm tired and frightened of everything. i'm tired of work, tired of study, tired of food, tired of sleep, tired of fear, tired of insecurity, tired of pain, tired of tears, of people, of buildings and of animals. i'm tired of longing, tired of sleepless nights, tired of growing up, tired of being admired. i'm tired of speaking, listening, observing, trying... trying so hard every damn day to get closer to what i want. i'm tired of being misunderstood. i'm tired of being yelled upon. i'm tired of fighting. i'm tired of breaking. i want to stop. i can't stop. there is no stop. i'm tired of being frustrated on. i'm tired of thinking. i'm tired of being human. i'm tired of being kind. i'm tired of sacrificing. i'm tired of apologizing.



i am tired of being sick, too. i am tired of holding back.



i don't understand. even as i write, i fear. i fear losing it all. i'm tired of it, yet i fear losing it. i am nothing, but a weak, weak human. i'm scared, frightened of myself, frightened of everything and of losing it. does it ever end? why do i have to be broken and torn so, so much for but one tiny moment of happiness? is it too much to ask for a bit of happiness, or a bit of love?



even right now, i want to stop. i want to sleep. i haven't slept. but i have to work. i don't even know why i'm writing this here. i am tired of caring about it.



i am tired of me.

My boyfriend is taking a very important exam tomorrow. It gives direct admission to the same college as me. We have been preparing him for it together for five months now. He has done everything I told him to, working so hard right in front of my eyes. I know he will definitely do well and come to my college.



I got my own semester results not too long ago; he and I are satisfied with the results but my parents have been dissing me quite a bit. They're not pleased. I am so tired, man. Now I just want him to not panic, do well and come back home so I can cuddle him.

It's only been a few hours since he left, but I already miss him. I'm going to stay strong tonight so that he does well in the morning. I'm a borderline atheist myself but I will pray anyway. Now, tonight and in the morning. He is the love of my life. I want him to do well.



I won't lie. It's very stressful at the moment: I have been dissed on quite a lot by my parents, I have a pile of work to do and most importantly, I am very, very nervous about his exam. I know he will do really well, but I'm just nervous. I do not want his efforts to go in vain.



I will try and get some sleep. Sleep is the only escape I have from all of this now. My eyebrow has started twitching, too. I have not been able to sleep well for a few days now. It all ends tomorrow; he will do very good tomorrow and I will get over the dissing and get my work done. I know. I believe all this will come true.



Giving him all my strength, luck and love. I miss him a lot. I miss his squishy cheeks, too. I love him. He's so cute when he's sleeping. Also cute when he insists I sleep. So I want both of us to sleep, now ^ ^



I know he will come to me.