i messed up the end of my previous post, somehow. anyway, all i'm saying- there's no need to be cruel or judge (everyone is built different, you got no right to validate or invalidate ANYONE!). just be loving, and free. don't latch yourself. you validate yourself. your strength is always yours. use it for what you feel right.

i've become somewhat of a work machine since i think, three days. this stretch, mode, whatever has come after almost an year, maybe. feels good. so i've started being somewhat direct. i don't know if that's a good change. i mean, normally i'm quiet af and don't say things that actually need to be said- so maybe this is actually a good change. my emotional bandwidth is somewhat low, but this work mode will probably pay off because i have exams upcoming.

actually, this is just me being super-egoistic. this low-emotion-bandwidth has stemmed from extreme emotions. that's funny. this is me wanting to take revenge knowing that i'm right. i'm right to want to be happy, and only happy. i'm right to feel whatever the hell i felt, because yes, it hurt and why should i put up with it? i'm doing this to prove my philosophy right. comfort and happiness, for me, will always win over 'potential' or 'learning'. that is just how i am and imma prove it now. the bighead idea of these fancy things forgets that everything done in the end just narrows down to you tryna be happy. eh. rolls eyes.

anyway- big lesson for me, too- enough of beating myself up for everyone and everything. i can't be that invalid, surely. i don't really have to do this. i don't have to take everything upon myself all the time. sometimes, sure. not all the time, though. the reason i do these things is to keep me and my loved ones happy but if i'm so crushed every moment of every day it will completely morph me into an unhappy, boring soul.

ah. well. make friends. i understood this. attention deficit can be terrible. if you find it difficult, it's okay- it's not all entirely your fault but you'll be the one to be cooked so better adjust a bit and sail along with people who might not click exactly right rather than be so drowned in loneliness. if you're easy with people, good for you!

the worst thing you can do if you have low self-esteem is to damage it even more. if something hurts just throw it aside. you don't have to keep simmering with anything that hurts your self-esteem. it's not for you. you just picked the wrong emotion. it can be scary at first, but just try peeling it off a bit. it'll get better in no time.

whatever happens, don't let yourself fade. give some importance to yourself, too. you don't have to be worth anything because you're already very, very expensive. don't worry. you have your own glitter that no one else does. value yourself. fight for it when you know you're right. there's no damn need to back off.

nah, i'm n

Now this is a simple, obvious thing that everyone knows but I, just like you at some point, have been excessively been worrying about every tiny thing that showed signs of going wrong. Things that can potentially go wrong in your life will never stop sprouting out of nowhere. They'll keep coming. All your life. That unfinished assignment, those chores your mom told you to do before she comes home, things you haven't talked out with your partner, that nagging feeling you forgot something? They will never cease to exist. The sheets will never be smooth enough.

Because they will never end anyway- you will never experience the happiness that comes when everything is 'perfect' (because that happiness doesn't exist anyway, lol). So I think I should just embrace the imperfections of my life, and stop being so anxious. I sometimes am surprised at my own strength at not giving a damn about some things- but at the same time I worry excessively about several other small things. Funny. I'll tell you- I have been so stupid- I fell in love to be happy, and then started worrying about everything in it. That's the simplest example. He's going to stay with me my whole life. Things will keep popping up all the time. I can't always be perfect and neither can he. All this is highly embarrassing

for me to admit even anonymously, but unless I do, how am I going to look back at some point when I do this stuff again and realize I can just choose to stop?

So, just choose. Choose to stop. Choose to stop caring about everything so much. Embrace the imperfection. Don't shun it- and don't try to be perfect. Just have fun. It's okay. Sometimes, things can hurt. Just don't cascade into a spiral of anxiety, and if you do remember that there's a way back. Get out of it and live your life.

Yep. That's all the wisdom I have to drop for today. And I dropped this without even having ice-cream ;)

You reading this, penguin? I love you (^ ^)

nothing. not even happiness. not even the person you love. you have to work for everything. and it's not always mechanical work. it's more of the emotional and mental work, to be frank. you have to hold your patience, allow yourself to be tested and toasted over and over again, and hold up anyway. all you can do is do your best to hold up and hope that it will suffice and it will be worth it. looks like i will have to summon the rough me again. i was hoping i'd never have to take that me out again- but hey, like i said, nothing seems to come for free. alright. let's get to work.

i need to find ways to lessen distraction. ugh.

It's a sunny, beautiful, fast-paced but happy day today! I have been energetic so far, and I think I can get some good work done today. I woke up and heard his voice. His sleepy voice when he's snuggling in my arms and says 'I love you' is the best thing I've ever heard. I took a nice bath and had a good breakfast. I studied for a bit and went to my class, listening to and singing along songs. Everything looks so pretty today. He looked the prettiest. The sky, the flowers, my friends, everything is so pretty today. And when I take a break, I'll eat and nap with him :)

Sometimes things may seem hopeless. If you too are like me (future me, you too, read this if you're making the same mistake), please know, that even things that seem 'cringe', even if they are, work as long as they keep you happy, as long as you like them. Please don't be harsh on yourself in the pursuit of turning yourself absolutely zero cringe. That won't happen. You're a living, breathing human. If you love, of course you'd be 'cringe' at some corner. 'Cringe' is not a bad thing. If you're sad, please know that it will be okay. (^ ^) I, too, was extremely sad just two days ago. But that is how life goes, isn't it? Cry it out if you will, but never stop believing that all pain will come to an end. It always does. And never stop loving. You are going to be just fine. You will be happy. Trust me :)

I have been doubting myself in every possible way for the last few days. I even doubted if I was good enough to love or be loved. But I forgot. Love does not see- how pretty you are, how skilled you are, what your game is. I had my insecurities, but it hurts the worst when you feel you don't deserve love. It's fine, really. Everyone deserves love. You, too, certainly do. Love isn't something that comes with merit. And no, this is not a merciful thing. You are never not good enough to feel loved. You are a human. You're a good human. And there's always a way for you to be what you'd like. Because it's *you*, something that's controlled only by *you*. So I chose to love <3

I hope the day stays like this.

the day is getting better. i'm falling in love with him, all over again.

i'm tired and frightened of everything. i'm tired of work, tired of study, tired of food, tired of sleep, tired of fear, tired of insecurity, tired of pain, tired of tears, of people, of buildings and of animals. i'm tired of longing, tired of sleepless nights, tired of growing up, tired of being admired. i'm tired of speaking, listening, observing, trying... trying so hard every damn day to get closer to what i want. i'm tired of being misunderstood. i'm tired of being yelled upon. i'm tired of fighting. i'm tired of breaking. i want to stop. i can't stop. there is no stop. i'm tired of being frustrated on. i'm tired of thinking. i'm tired of being human. i'm tired of being kind. i'm tired of sacrificing. i'm tired of apologizing.



i am tired of being sick, too. i am tired of holding back.



i don't understand. even as i write, i fear. i fear losing it all. i'm tired of it, yet i fear losing it. i am nothing, but a weak, weak human. i'm scared, frightened of myself, frightened of everything and of losing it. does it ever end? why do i have to be broken and torn so, so much for but one tiny moment of happiness? is it too much to ask for a bit of happiness, or a bit of love?



even right now, i want to stop. i want to sleep. i haven't slept. but i have to work. i don't even know why i'm writing this here. i am tired of caring about it.



i am tired of me.

My boyfriend is taking a very important exam tomorrow. It gives direct admission to the same college as me. We have been preparing him for it together for five months now. He has done everything I told him to, working so hard right in front of my eyes. I know he will definitely do well and come to my college.



I got my own semester results not too long ago; he and I are satisfied with the results but my parents have been dissing me quite a bit. They're not pleased. I am so tired, man. Now I just want him to not panic, do well and come back home so I can cuddle him.

It's only been a few hours since he left, but I already miss him. I'm going to stay strong tonight so that he does well in the morning. I'm a borderline atheist myself but I will pray anyway. Now, tonight and in the morning. He is the love of my life. I want him to do well.



I won't lie. It's very stressful at the moment: I have been dissed on quite a lot by my parents, I have a pile of work to do and most importantly, I am very, very nervous about his exam. I know he will do really well, but I'm just nervous. I do not want his efforts to go in vain.



I will try and get some sleep. Sleep is the only escape I have from all of this now. My eyebrow has started twitching, too. I have not been able to sleep well for a few days now. It all ends tomorrow; he will do very good tomorrow and I will get over the dissing and get my work done. I know. I believe all this will come true.



Giving him all my strength, luck and love. I miss him a lot. I miss his squishy cheeks, too. I love him. He's so cute when he's sleeping. Also cute when he insists I sleep. So I want both of us to sleep, now ^ ^



I know he will come to me.