i'm not good at videogames i'm not smart i can't drive i don't have a job i don't have friends i'venever dated and i'm an adult wy am i still here

every day alive feels like torture i don't even know what to do anymore. at least i'm still breathing? still eating? is that enough? probably not. i want to disappear from my friends lives soon. it's really easy to do because i only have friends online, not irl. most of them won't have to deal with the pain of forgetting my face because they've never even seen it. just kidding, i don't think they'd miss it even if they did

the urge to just delete all of my socials and disappear from everyone is so strong. i’m so sick and tired of everyone. i don’t feel cared about at all. maybe i’m being selfishly blind but it really doesn’t feel like anyone is actually interested in what i have to say. i don’t add anything to anyone’s lives, half the time my messages are ignored/forgotten. having no friends irl and now basically none online hurts so fucking bad. i mean, i do have friends online, but i don’t feel cared about by them anymore. i really want to disappear. i wish i could go back in time and manually remove myself from their lives. i want to stop going online and i want them to wonder why

it makes me happy to know that if i died they’d feel guilty for always forgetting to respond to me, for ignoring me, for never texting. i really want them to feel guilty. i hope one day they find this and see exactly what i’ve said

i wish i could sleep forever or at least for a month straight i just want a break. i'm doing nothing but i still want a break.

nov 16, 2025

i think i'm a really insufferable and annoying person when it comes to couples. it pisses me off whenever i have to interact with them or whenever i have to listen to someone ramble about their partner. i should feel happy for them but i dont because i'm a miserable pos. no ones loved me for almost six years and even then it was only an online relationship that lasted for like a month.

i just want to be loved back by someone i feel so much love for people but it's always going to be one sided

Nov 11, 2025



Tonight my mom came into my room and told me to come outside with her. I couldn't see what she wanted me to see in the sky at first, but then I realized it was the Northern Lights. Sadly my city has too much light so it was difficult to see at first, but it was clearer when she would take a picture with her camera. Even if it was hard for me to see, I still think it was beautiful. I could see the lights moving just barely, and I thought that was really cool.



I can be the most hopeless person in the world sometimes, but seeing that our world can be so pretty makes me feel better sometimes. I think I should unironically go outside more, I always think to myself that I love the sky or I love the scenery of the trees changing colors.. or whatever else I see.

The other day it snowed outside while I was napping. I looked out my window and did a double take when I seen that the roads were white. It wasn't a lot of snow, but enough to make every roof in my neighborhood white. It all melted by noon the next day but I was still happy nonetheless.



Winter is my favorite season and Christmas is my favorite holiday. Even if the cold makes me want to curl up and die sometimes, the scenery makes up for it. I hope it snows more soon. It feels like the last few years have been pretty lame with the snow on Christmas day. It feels like there was always at least two feet of snow outside on Christmas as a kid.

i'm too lazy to try and decorate my own blog so i'm going to use this woohooo! i'm probably going to vent here more than i'd like to but oh well