My favourite thing to do is acting like I was joking about something when I completely meant it. I walked into oldmate's room to kick his cat but I considered he would notice since she's loud, so I didn't. When he asked me what was up, I blatantly told him I was going to kick his cat, yet the company of one simple word would invalidate my intentions and paint me of pure idea, just by saying 'joking'. Until this instance, I hadn't realised its true potential, I should use this more.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

filthy, cold, repulsive-me

incandescent, warm, heartening-god

I want his blood dripping down my hands for the betrayal he has inflicted, for the repulsive knowledge he has planted into me. I want his capillaries bludgeoned and his skin decorated with all the beautiful colours of the rainbow. I want his face swollen and teared from oil boiled 200 degrees. I want his mind tormented and constantly stabbed by inhumane thoughts of himself until his inevitable demise. I want his heart to be so torn, he could only view everything as nothing but sloppy material which push him to his death.

I may hate him, just a lil bit.

Killing is the only way I can be free, once I kill, my dirty skin will shed and I will be born asnew. My pure resurrection requires the death of the putrid. I will make sure of it. I just need to complete my exams first. Be good and all.

Should I do it

Disgusting...disgusting...disgusting...how can Istop feeling so disgusted of everything...I'll never be normal at this point...everythingisdisgustingdisgustingdisgustinggrossgrossgrossgrossgrossI wont be able to be normal anymore, is this the end for me, if I cant be normal I wont prosper as a doctor, doctors are nurtured properly with loving parents and no parasite in their heads. How can I stop feeling disgusting,itsssooogrosssoooogrossss I just want to be frozen in sleep forever with a dream that isnt disgusting. its soo fucking gross so grossgsogross i want to kill you so bad. That night when I was choking you? HAHAHA it was so playful and funny right lol hahaha what fun yes I wantedto snap that fat neck of yours because you made me sick. You reminded me of bad things, you were making me puke. STOP ALL THE DISGUST FREE ME

ヽ(・_・ )

I only have confidence in the fact that I'll kill you all

My Indonesian oral exam is tomorrowwwwwwwww and I haven't memorised all my cuesssssssss helllll yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah lettstsss goooooooooooooooooooo do the danceeeeeee do the danceeee yeeeeee do the failure danceeeee yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

♫ヽ(゜∇゜ヽ)♪♬(ノ゜∇゜)ノ♩♪

Instead I've been getting addicted to alcohol and crying, yikes. I swear I'll call the free youth therapy organisation tomorrow I swear. Just like how I swore to call them today and yesterday and the other day..

Letttssssssssssssssssss goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

♪~ ╭(°ㅂ°)╮╰(°ㅂ°)╯╭(°ㅂ°)╮╰(°ㅂ°)╯ ~♪

It seems my principal was jealous, because he immediately went in and pulled me out. Asked why I was crying, then smiled and said something along the lines of "As a girl you can't go that close to your male teachers". I remember being confused. The teachers were like our uncles/aunties and friends in the boarding school, they played with us and always joked around, me and every other kid were always allowed to be that close. The boarding school treated each other like how they would treat their own relatives, we were all family. So when he said that, I remember feeling a little odd but I agreed anyway.

I was also never subjected to the usual punishment like other kids, I ran away from the boarding school to my mother's house a couple of times, if I was any other kid, I would have been already expelled or hit with a cane until I bruised. But this old man would even go as far as to pick me up in his car from my mother's house when I ran away without permission, during the time all the other kids had their afternoon sleep. I liked it at her house, because I could watch Youtube on her phone (￣︶￣;). We weren't allowed tv or phones in the boarding school, so it was a strange world to me.

Last Friday while drunk and crying, I told ojisan about how at one instance when I ran away, after the principal told me he wanted to marry me. I told my mom, I couldn't tell anyone else since it was a secret. But I figured since it was marriage, my mom should know right. The moment I told her, she went silent. She looked at me with this face that is burned in my head forever. A face cringing of disgust. I can't exactly remember what she said afterwards, but I do remember feeling betrayed and disgusted of myself. She saw me as bad. The principal's wife too. Like a little parasite.

I was only 8, couldn't they let me be a kid for a little longer?（´＿｀）

The new principal would also let me sleep or play in his 'special' religious room when I was bored. No other kid was allowed there except when classes were taking place.

And then one day he called me to his room to talk, without my little brother, just me. It felt serious, I remember he was staring me deep in the eyes and also looked to be a little flustered. He then asked for me to be his wife. He talked of how he would split the boarding school into a girls and boys section and allocate half of it to be ruled under me. I asked him "what about your wife?". He said "don't worry about her". Though I didn't understand how entirely messed up this was, I felt very bad for her. He was throwing out his wife, the one who owned the boarding school in the first place. Then he talked about how we would have a son and he had already planned a name.

After that day, at moments when we were alone, he would always call me "the mother of (son name)" instead of my own name.

Because he was respected and influential, I was honoured. To have the teacher that I admire so much marry me? Awesome.

I was only 7-8 years old. Yet he already saw me as a mother for his baby. While I was honoured, it was also unsettling. He never did anything sexual, only because we couldn't do that stuff before marriage. I was already molested twice at this point before being in boarding school and I could always tell he was holding himself back, I know that hesitant, anxious face they make when they look at me. He was cautious of ever touching me, skin-to-skin. Because it would be indecent and a sin. I didn't realise how disgusting it is that he saw me in this manner until I was around 13 and already back to living in Australia. At the time, I just thought he was just modest and devotional. He was 40-50 years old, I was 7-8. In what world does a grown adult man feel uncomfortable and hinder from touching a kid in fear of sinning. Bewildering. There was also an instance where he once passed my 2nd grade classroom and saw me crying into my male teacher's lap. My male teacher made me cry by teasing me and killing the ants on the walls, I kept begging him to stop.

When I was in boarding school, the principal was a widow with no husband. After a year, an old dude suddenly appeared asking to be married. They married and I remember the boarding school had an extensive change. It had rebranded, changed its uniforms, its main colours, started large-scale building projects, altered a lot of its rules as well. It became much stricter. I cursed these changes, other kids did the same. But in no time, the old dude became a very respected religious person. We all considered him a saint. How could we not? He described religious experiences where he spoke to angels and a prophet in his dreams. He also knew how to grab our tiny hearts by using fear and sadness.

In Indonesia, if you have travelled overseas to the Middle East to be educated, you might as well be a scholarly prophet. He always told us stories of his time in Yemen, he cherished the traditions and Arab culture. All the kids looked up to him. I did too. I threw out all my lazy habits, began to wake up earlier at 3-4am in the morning to sweep the mosque, I remember running down the stairs still half asleep. The teachers were surprised by this change, in the past they had to spray me with water or drag me by the legs down the stairs to wake me up. I was inspired and wanted to be his good student.

Eventually my foreign appearance and background caught his attention. It was apparent that he steadily began to treat me better than the other kids. When he went to important religious events, he started to bring me and my little brother. No other kids, his wife, me and my little brother. At these events, he would show us off to the other religious leaders, telling them about our background and such. They'd joke with us, ask if we could speak Javanese (we were on the island of java, it's the old traditional language, only locals speak it).

But slowly, this relationship that was initially just a teacher and a keen student, became weird. Eventually, I took on the role to deliver him food instead of his wife. He would sometimes call me up to chat in his room with my little brother and give 'inspirational' words. I could tell his wife was growing jealous of me. He spent so much time with me and she found it strange that I was being pampered by him. I remember he would buy me sandals when mine broke, books and also snacks. His wife without doubt, always looked at me with a particular bitter face. I found it weird. Before he came, she was nice to me.

After that, I thanked my brother. I was so grateful I wanted to cry out of happiness, there was a warm yet painful, tight feeling in my heart. I talked to my brother some more about music and running. We're both heavy drainers and mostly like the same music. ヽ(・∀・)ﾉ But I can't believe it... That dawg started running the same time as me... But he has already reached 10km... And at the end of the year he says, he foresees half-a-marathon! (°ロ°) ! And next year, he is planning to run a marathon! Well, he has been naturally gifted with the athlete physique. But his capability and fast adaptability surpassed my expectations. What I've always found weird about my brother is that his metabolic rate is rapid fast. So fast that there are no regions of fat in his body, it's other tissue, muscle and bone. A healthy person who is normal has fat deposited in their stomach area and thighs right? But my brother... He is a stick of muscle and bone. I've always said that there is a mini black hole inside of him or a vortex because he never changes weight. You see his body.. His bones are protruding out of his chest, arms and hips. He has only muscle in his legs as well. He eats a whole lot more than me. In fact, he began meal-planning and bulking because his weight wasn't increasing and his bmi was in the underweight range. It's pretty amazing.. That's why me and my little brother always called him an African or a stick. We'd walk past a branch and say "Hey, he decided to come with", then piss ourselves laughing.

After the movie, I was drunk ofcourse and it was late. Ojisan and I hopped into bed, we always chat for about 20 minutes before snoozing off. And I just felt overwhelmingly sad. All the memories of my mother, came to me. I flooded tears. Ojisan hugged me and also cried. He's aware of how my mom is, she messaged him with threatening texts. (;﹏;) Lol, we cried like babies as I described a memory then dosed off.

Jijii says he was really glad to meet me since it took his mind off of his work issues, I'm glad as well.

Friday - Friday is my Heineken day, my favourite beer, so ojisan bought a pack of that to have with KFC. It's becoming a ritual now. KFC or pizza, beer and a movie to watch that isn't too significant for drunk viewing. We ended up going with blazing saddles.

But before eating, I received a message from my older brother, which is strange. He asked if I was going to Indonesia with my little brother and mother. I was hesitant to go because I know that woman will inevitably make me uncomfortable by pushing me into doing the modelling and singing no matter how much she tries to make it seem like she just wants to spend a 'holiday' with me, it's either money or status, nothing else. But I agreed anyway since feeling despair for a couple of days is worth it for all the mountains I'll be hiking and the time I'll spend with my little brother exploring the cities. However, now I know that I can't go no matter what. My brother informed me of her little scheme. She told my brother that the moment I go to Indonesia, she is going to rob me of my passport so I can't go back to my bloody home country and be forced to live there for her. When I read that, my heart dropped. If my brother did not reach out to me, I would've gone, and my whole life would have been over. My ambition of becoming a surgeon, all my school achievements. Ofcourse that woman doesn't give a crap, she has never cared. About me, my academics, what I do outside of school. I don't think I'm even a soul to her, a human being.

After driving to town and getting subway sandwhiches for dinner, we went to a forest with a lake to go frog-searching, jijii wanted to test his new camera and I wanted to meet and touch frogs. Jijii is an expert at finding frogs. Their colour schemes make it difficult for them to be spotted (that's the point) but jijii can always discern them from the wood, rocks and grasses - I was amazed. It was fun holding hands with jijii in the cold with a flashlight, going through tall grasses and mud. I want to do it again. Jijii also has another skill, that is having memorised and being able to imitate the mating calls of a range of animals. Just by the call of the frogs, he was able to tell which species of frogs they were. While looking at the different eucalyptus trees, jijii was also imitating the call of - if I recall correctly - a barking owl. Jijii says they are beasts and if you call on them too much, they'll bite you, he says that his friend's ear was ripped off by them (°▽° ). We walked the forest and smelled the peppermint eucalyptus tree, so nice! I actually wasn't aware that eucalyptus was a genus consisting of multiple species, it was cool seeing the different species of em. We stayed there until 10pm, and I missed the last train and busses that go home, so jijii ordered me an uber. And I had to tell my address...ah.. I had to... He doesn't even know my real name lol. I just tell him to call me 'Ester', I learned briefly about esther linkages in chemistry and thought it sounded cool so I use it when socialising on the interwebs. I initially refused to tell ojisan my name as well but he got it out of me eventually (￣︶￣;). Ojisan's mother was mad that he let me come home at over midnight.

Thursday - After so long, I finally met up with jijii again! (´︶｀) The meeting was nearly cancelled because jijii had an incident at work early in the day which made him upset and dreadful. I had already reached the city when I received the message. But then as I was eating spicy noodles in the city for lunch and prepared to go home. He asked if I could still come. I was bloated with noodles but I prayed that it will settle before we meet, because I just know jijii wouldn't leave without taking off my clothes and scrambling my hair lol. Initially, we were supposed to check on the tree hollow nests of phascogales on the trees while wearing the tree climbing harnesses that jijii has. But it was already dark so we drove to forest and parked. Jijii showed me his new Nikon camera he bought for a couple thousand dollars! It was so cool, professional. And then I showed my small... little old Nikon camera... haha. I think mine is the Nikon coolpix P500. While checking the pictures I shot in the memory card gallery on jijii's grand and sleek camera, I accidentally came across a picture of jijii's wife and son. I was amazed. She was smiling and looked like the normal Japanese woman. She didn't seem as mean as how jijii describes her to be. Jijii's son looked like the normal Japanese kid too, the japanese genes won in him lol. Jijii seems like a very good father, he cares for his son a lot, never puts his desires before his obligations as a parent, nurtures his son very well. I'm so jealous. （；￣︶￣）

While talking about photo ids, jijii suggested I should get my licence already. Then subsequently let me drive his pickup truck on the dirt road. Driving is exhilarating! I loved it, it was so easy to pick up. Jijii had to tell me to stop giggling so much as not to crash (´ ∀ ` *) it really was nice. Jijii also said he is willing to give me driving lessons before the driving test. I was convinced, now I'm working towards it.

Taking the aspects of a child that you are supposed to be inclined to protect and utilising it to capitalise off pedophilic, mentally unstable men. Truly ill. Worsening a global issue for material wealth. These women are wicked. No remorse shown as well, they never consider the children who are now vulnerable to the dangers of the idealisation of youth and oversexualisation of youthful features, these concepts the wicked women have catalysed by feeding more and more coal into the growing fire. When ojisan mentioned that swine I got so pissed off and had that repulsed feeling in my stomach again, it's like something is coming up and I have to keep swallowing to resolve it. I was so angry, I bit ojisan very hard on his arm, he was groaning out of pain. It makes me happy, you deserve punishment ojisan, feel the pain of the youth you have endangered with no forethought, just hedonistic pleasure and aesthetical incline toward pathetic superficial features. Ojisan felt very scared in bed after that, but out of pity I ended up kissing him. All those men and women who subject the youth (children) to cultural, psychological and physical torment deserve all the pain for their actions they overlook so easily.

Tuesday - Completed English handout work, only that.. because I got distracted by the content of the internet like a fool again.

Wednesday - Met with my little brother to play footy near my aunty's house again, afterward, we went to a coin booth karaoke by taking the train lol. Singing is fun, he says my voice is nice.

Hm I've not had the time to sit and recount. Been busy with tests, assignments and exam preparation. However, right now I have a self-study period and a maths test coming up. I've already studied enough for it, so I'm just relaxing and giving my brain a break. <(￣︶￣)>

School started this Monday.

But for week 2 of school holiday, last week:

Monday - I spent the day from 1pm to 8pm studying math. After, me and ojisan played rhythm games together. We played Pianista on the Nintendo and Groove Coaster. I really enjoy pianista, I greatly appreciate orchestra or classical music. I was actually in the middle of learning the piano on my own before I moved out. My brother purchased a keyboard but didn't have the time to learn, he was caught up with his aviation studies in university, so I borrowed it. It's such a shame that it's not being used now without me. It cost my brother a whole lot.. I like playing the piano. While I could only do the most simple songs because I had only learnt how to read and memorise some keys, it was gratifying. I also enjoy watching skilful Chinese pianists performing their proficiency while eating dinner, I bet if I continued I would be able to play my favourite pieces with all the complexity, maybe not exactly like them as they train from the very young and play for years but I would be fluent atleast.

Ojisan owns 3 Nintendo Switches... The first, the lite version and then recently the Nintendo Switch 2... It's his money but it seems very wasteful..lol. He passed down his Nintendo Switch lite to me, which is cool, it has a million games...this dude has been spending his money only on games and figures... tsk, tsk, tsk.

While we were playing groove coaster, I chose a song by the singer mafumafu, particularly: 'I want to be a super nuko'. After playing the song, ojisan took another glance at the name of the singer and recalled something.

"Ohh that's the singer who was married to Rushia! The vtuber! Everyone was so angry that was able to get her nendoroid for cheap!"

F*ckin hell. Why do you think that information is any relevant to me you stupid bastard? I was so pissed off that he mentioned that disgusting creature. Her vtuber avatar is designed to be a child like any other vtubers. She was originally meant to be the age of 16... Then she changed it to being a 1600 year old. What a f*ckin joke... But the features of her character are obviously and clearly taking the features of children under the age of 16. Women like this are ill. Taking the aspects of a child that you are s

Term 3 ended, 2 weeks of holiday began and from today: 2 weeks until my final language oral exam, a month until my final biology exam, a little over a month until my written language exam. Over a month for my year 11 subjects exam.

First week of holiday:

Monday - I met my little brother to play footy near my aunty's house.

Tuesday - I completed a biology trial exam held at the school in the morning. Went home, then played farcry 3.

Wednesday - It was the birthday of ojisan's mother. In the morning, I attended a biology revision lecture held for free towards government schools. Ojisan's mother celebrated by riding gokarts with ojisan, I could not join since they required photo identification. At night, ojisan's half-sister and her husband ate burgers with us. Me and ojisan smashed the maimai machines at the local arcade afterwards.

Thursday -

Friday - Me and Ojisan went swimming at the local pool. Ojisan also bought me a pixar cars shirt while out to buy a towel. We were getting too messy in bed, ojisan had to buy a designated towel. At night, I tried apple cider and ate dominos pizza (つ´･∀･)つ [ and came SO CLOSE to murdering ojisan while drunk (´◯` ) ]

Saturday - Me and ojisan visited 2 exhibits at the art gallery, a special exhibit of french impressionism and the culture of the kimono. I was gifted a membership for the art gallery on my birthday by my grandmama so I get free tickets and discounts. It was peaceful and inspiring, I loved the impressionist portraits, I promised ojisan that I'll paint portraits of him and make him my most beloved muse. I will. When we returned home, ojisan's mother was out so I cooked us noodles and watched little miss sunshine. I only watched it for paul dano but the movie ended up badly triggering me...bad bad memories..I hate that movie. I had to cry out of turmoil, so embarrassing, it makes me look insane and abnormal. I felt sick, my stomach was tight and I could feel puke trying to reach my throat, I had to swallow. Sickening. So sickening.

Sunday - I reached out to my old friends asking if they wanted to come over and play games, maybe draw. They agreed. I had to kick ojisan out of the house for a couple hours, he went to his half-sister's house to chill. Me and my old friends played mariokart, drew a prompt while listening to mlp songs and played pokemon. I became reminded of how I despise their behaviour, they still act like kids afterall.

I just woke up from a dream where I was violently punching a thief with my maximum body strength, there was so much rage in my head, it felt light while my fists felt heavy. It felt good.

I will kill you all. I will slice your stomach and shove my fingers, rearrange your guts so you can feel the sickness, discomfort, repulsion and despair I have to endure. It's not fair that you're all free, you can't be treated like other human beings anymore. You can't pretend those times didn't exist. You've acted. I will end your lives at your most unfulfilled point. I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU ALL ( >﹏<。) I WILL I WILL I WILL I WILL I WILL I WILL IWILLIWILLIWILLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WILL I WILL I WILL I WILL I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU I WILL I WILLL IM GONNA IM GONNA IM GONNA IM GONNA okay? (つ﹏⊂)

I'm going to kill you all I'm gonna I'm gonna watch out I'm gonna

Eh... plane viewing cancelled, rain pourin... Jiiji said he could take me for an exquisite authentic Japanese dinner instead but I already had dinner planned.

In the morning before my Indonesian oral assesment, ojisan's mom asks if I'd like anything particular for dinner. She lists some dishes she cooks and I selected roasted lamb.

Ojisan is so sweet, when he went to his doctor's appointment, he bought sushi for me.

My Indonesian test went well, I understood my weaknesses and I will try to refine my speaking skills before the final exams in the middle of October (¯▿¯). The gruelling thing about language subjects is that you are required to take 2 examinations, a written and a verbal assesment, double the work than the usual subject!

I came home and ojisan was resting in bed, I joined him and then the resting became a teasing contest.. ('˘▽˘) After, me and ojisan laid on the bed in indecent amount of clothes and watched my favourite limmy skits. Had a good ol laugh and got up. Ojisan is playing an interesting game called metro 2033 while I'm finishin Farcry 3.

Now I eat my dinner while watching digital combat simulator gameplay or practical because I don't have the time to learn a 600 page plane manual, not to mention my incompetence and lack of experience as well. Dining on lovely roasted lamb with a bottle of orange juice, delightful.



When I lived with my family, I once cooked myself some noodles and had a bottle of ginger beer while watching the live footy. I remember taking a picture of it and thinking "why fill a pressure cooker with nails and bolts when one can just calm down and eat a bloody good meal?". But now I understand why one cannot, I also want to fill a pressure cooker, I want to bring awareness through violence in this deaf world.

Prost! (o´▽`o)

Stayin at home, drinkin tea and watching Czechoslovakian air force documentary. Can it get any better? It can!

After my language speaking test on Saturday, I'm going to travel to the main airport of my city with a folding chair. I will bring snacks of my own and relax in peace with only the sounds of the aircraft taking off and landing. I asked jiiji if he wants to come with, he says he might be busy with his son, however he will see. It'd be truly cool if I could use jiiji's camera... He says if he comes, he'll bring beer too! Beer and the blissful noise of aircraft engines... I'm so excited.. (≧◡≦)

The documentary I'm watching is about a part of a highway in Czechoslovakia that is for normal vehicles but also deliberately built to be able to be used for take-off and landing. They removed the gates on the sides and the signs to make way for the airforce's military exercises. Sugoi! The highway is the D1 motorway connecting Prague and Brno. I just checked the segment and the crash barriers are back there, the roads are very smooth thaugh.. I will learn how to fly a plane once I'm settled with a career.. Then I can go uninhabited island hopping with ojisan!

Bongo bongo bongo I dont wanna leave the congo non no no no...

Bingo bangle bongle Im so happy in the jungle I refuse to goooo (ノ^o^)ノ♪♪♪

this is the image that was supposed to be attached lol



Look at this trash... I can't believe adults enjoy this and don't feel the conscience to end their life out of guilt! XD

And those worst of all... are those anime which revolves around a subject.. and just adds little preteens around the story...

get those stupid flimsy hoes off of my panzers you degenerates... It's not redeemable, even with the nicely drawn tanks, it's not redeemable! Why do you have to slap on a couple of skimpy teens on a panzer.. And then say it's cultured? You retards.

And also inserting those drabs in military-wear.. giving them firearms and pretending they're fighting in the frontlines.. This is just disgusting.

It's not cute, it's not cultured, it's not cool. It's psychotic. This is psychotic behaviour.

To paste the same bloody face template and feeble body into different scenarios and acting like the characters hold distinct personalities. You're all psychotic.

In what kind of context will 'anime' culture ever be normal or accepted to me? NEVER

Am I the only Homo Sapiens who becomes nauseous at the sight of anime, its depictions and behaviour are such a deviation from reality that it invokes an indescribable sorrow and sickness in me, it's a distortion that lacks reflection of humanity, us. It feels as if a neuron of me is imploded by the mere nonsense. Seriously? Carving images of human beings into very physically pleasing and attractive figures and then acting as if they feel emotion? I don't understand. It's all disgusting to me. And adults are the ones advocating for this? They devote their life span for this? Isn't this messed up? To promote contortions of reality devoid of true reflection.. It's insane. I'm in disbelief that I have been born into a world like this. Why are you all acting like this culture is normal???



Look at this trash. Do we not have the mind to realise how backwards this is? For years, I watch adults stuff this content in their face like a life source. Aaahh kimochii!!! I just witnessed strange deceitful figures on my screen that no organic life looks like, trying to imitate what it feels to be human! ENTERTAINING!

AND then? The route doesn't make any sense! We twist our reality into these images, then shoot it right back at us! ＼(＾▽＾)／ Creating equally twisted expectations. To be faultless, to be dainty, to be ideal, to be kawaii!

Anime has undoubtedly ruined generations of human intelligence. Why have we devolved into duplicating and contorting the proportions of preteens, yeah preteens, anime women are most often carved to be the form of preteens and more seldom, teenagers. It doesn't matter what the number is on their wikipage you fools, look at their proportions... You adults all look so stupid. Being swayed by fictional images exactly concocted to milk yo money and stimulate your feely-weely-good-points.

I reminisce alot about how often I hear phrases like: "why are (returded amalgamation) so cute", "why are (out of reality shape) so cool", why...why...why...

Isn't it simple? A studio of Japanese degens ran through numerous pages of character design for it. Maximising the features that YOU, their cows, want to see. Lol, fooled. Also I've never used Japanese terms unironically, I feel pity for people who don't!

I hate you all! o(>ω<)o

The subject of english is very strange isn't it? I'm not sure what the qualifications of the teachers are, but I've noticed the marking is very strange.

In my last school, my english teacher was an Indian Singaporean who was born overseas. She absolutely hated my writing XD, it was always lacking to her. But also, the points she makes for my scores, a lot of them was just a misunderstanding of the sentence. It was a coherent sentence, but she never understood the structuring.

For example: Mark - a man with a dog, went to the dog park. The sentences I wrote were more complex but I think a lot would follow this structure. Especially in character analysis. When I checked my marked paper, there was always a question mark above the writing. Just a question mark. As if it was intangible for her.

But now in this school, the teacher really loves my work. Strange. I showed her a practice analysis for a book I didn't even read yet and she said it was spot on, "one of the best paragraphs I've read".. huh.. Then she took a photo of it with her phone. I've just been scraping the ground for bits and pieces of the story （´‐公‐｀) and only read 20 pages out of atleast 200 I think. The test is next week as well... There's a disparity ain't there? The students have been reading the book since last term yknow.. I think I will have to read the book on the bus home and such. Ganbare...or like whateeever..

I'm an excavator, excavator

Hey dirt, see you later

I'm an excavator



I've got a great big arm and a great big boom

If I start digging down, I'll be done real soon

I'm a dirt separator

I'm an excavator



I've got a big ol bucket and a scoop all the time

Digging holes in the ground, wonderin what I'll find

I'm an earth investigator

I'm an excavator (。ヘ°)

Ojisan... that face you make... uuiiuuuuhhgg..so lewdd...ahhh...your grunt....iiiooh.. IM GOING TO EAT YOU WHOLLEEEE

I suppose I mentioned already of sitting next to ojisan this morning eating crumpets, I didn't mention the dessert he gave me... Eeto.. this was the first time we did lewd before school. Government school uniform isn't very enticing.. A rugby top, track pants and runners. When I was in private school, I wore a skirt and proper school boots. Nevertheless, after eating I couldn't help but kiss ojisan.. while he was coughing kek.

It was a while before I would have to leave for the bus so I kept licking, whiffing. Until I could feel him down there.. So I got on my knees and licked lol, he scraped the roof of my mouth before sinking it real deep and releasing a delightful chardonnay. mmm mm (´︶｀) Then I picked up my phone and it was immediately time for me to leave for the bus, I didn't wash my hand or rinse my mouth. Just swiped my bag and school shoes then left. I did wash my hands after though, when I sat in class and noticed the scent still on my hand.. (^‿^)

After school, me and ojisan sat on the couch to watch smiling friends, he had a bit of issue with the plex streaming but it was resolved. We watched season 2, I've already but ojisan hadn't and I wanted to rewatch it anyway. After watching the whole season, it was already 6, 6pm is usually my study hour, till 10pm. My alarm went off, but I shut it. Because... sitting next to ojisan.. smelling his scent.. it made me horny.. so until 7 we were both just 'edging' each other on the couch. I really loved it when he slapped my face harder than he usually does. I was wondering why he wasn't pulling it out, so I asked - ojisan said we should wait until we're in bed. So then I sighed and said ok I'll study gee.

I can't handle it.. ojisan was so cute. Before I got off him, he hugged me, laughing and said: "you make me so happy"... huuuuuuuu... ｡ﾟ(TヮT)ﾟ｡ ojisan... I'm still blushing so hard... ojisan can't be allowed to torture me like this with his cuteness... My heart was melting... I'm going to do dangerous things to you ojisan...

This morning, after a shower, I ate crumpets for breakfast and then waited a couple of minutes with ojisan on the couch. He was sick, poor ojisan, coughing and all.. I think I gave my cold to him via oral transmission ☆⌒c(￣▽￣), mine passed within 2 days but I suppose ojisan's immune system is weaker, I suspect due to his weight and lack of outdoor activity, it would mean he has had lack of exposure and thus lower acquired immunity and defence capabilities right... There are so many things that are an inconvenience from being overweight, I don't understand it all. The second I feel weight in my legs or stomach, I immediately halt the intake of unhealthy food. I always make sure my intake is balanced with the amount of energy I use in daily activities and my roons. With diverse nutrition! I feel like a slob everytime I skip my roons as well (￣□￣;)

I feel that ojisan's mother is trying to kill him, the types of products she stores their pantry with... it's sooo unhealthy.. Cases of timtams, boxes of CocaCola, bags of m&ms and other chocolate confectionery. Then ojisan consumes it on a daily basis!!! It's toxic... poisonous...

Ojisan has consumed all this food over the span of entire decades.. ever since he was young. This means that it has already significantly decreased his lifespan and done irreversible damage.. which means ojisan will die much before I do. Thinking of it.. it's so sad. It will hurt me. I already know there's a terminal illness brewing if not already grown. All because he kept living in the present with no forethought, he won't be able to experience moments in the future with me, he'll never figure the truth about this life. He will cease to exist and rot in the ground, that will be it of him. No hugging, no warmth, it's cold.

I can only try to stop him from killing himself. Recently, I've begun small by asking ojisan to walk with me to the trail I run. It inconveniences me a little because have to decrease the amount of rooning I can do to only once per week. But it's fine, especially since I get to whiff sweaty ojisan after (´︶｀). It's funny, he gets sweaty so quickly and we're only walking ehe.

He's torturing me, it's so sad... Why do you do this to me ojisan.. it fills me with dread..（；_・）He's the only one true to me...

I was supposed to catch up on my physics chapter but I got inspired and drew instead.. so stupid..(#｀皿´)

Ojisan owns a sennheiser hd560, I think they're pretty good, cheaper as well. He lets me use it all the time when studying, it's definitely much better than my bluetooth headphones I got for 50 bucks online. Crisper, clearer, livelier. I love good resolution. To listen to every frequency in a piece, it's brilliant. Thoughbeitowever.... I still always crave the closed back of the sony wh1000xmf4 I used. My brother owned one and I tried everything to put those things on my head, it was just irresistible, since I didn't ask him permission he would always prohibit me from using it, it is really expensive so I understood why but I still irrationally craved for them everyday. I would go back to my crap of cans and it was arid, still gave my ears the entertainment of music, I could still hear the tune, but it didn't allow me to swim deeper and feel the cold fresh invigorating essence. It didn't allow me to appreciate the piece as it was intended to be appreciated, I could feel the incompleteness, it kept scratching my brain. Oh and also great noise cancelling capabilities, one of the best it seems.

I seem like a total audiophile right now because I'm wearing a sennheiser tshirt while wearing sennheiser headphones (¯▿¯). But the truth is I still lack the sensitivity.. I want to know what they hear, what they feel.

I had a study block, I needed to finish my math practice questions but I was missing ojisan so much.. Can't wait to go home. I don't draw much since it takes too much time, it is a nice way to express thought however (°▽°) I think the next time I culminate the feeling to draw again, I want to draw lightning mcqueen like I used to, I need a picture to decorate my clear phone case.. I draw cars pretty well, my little brother loved it. We both binge watch the entire pixar cars series once a year, we've also had plenty arguments about headcanons for the cars universe.. ( 〃．．)

I drew me and ojisan on the couch watching a movie with his hand patting my back like a cat (=´ᆺ｀=)

On Saturday, after Indonesian class I took the train for 2 hours. Jiiji picked me up at the station and we drove all the way to the mountain regions, we stopped at a different forest before to see if we could detect any koalas in the eucalyptus trees. Apparently the koalas love climbing the smooth chalky gum trees rather than the rough ones, I didn't know.. I've never seen a koala in the wild, other animals I have, plenty. But Jiiji says that when he was a kid, koalas were in his backyard because he lived in the rural regions. Jiiji was wildly ravenous.. While I was trying to look up at the trees, he constantly hugged me from behind and kissed me. To tell the truth, his personality is too much for me. Jiiji is like an American, very loud and too honest about everything. (*°▽ °*) He has sick camera gear for capturing all the wildlife mammals he investigates, not only that he also gets contracted to find endangered lizards for companies wanting to construct projects, it's part of policy that they must protect the wildlife on their project site through a system set.. it's quite complicated but makes sense. It's a system memorably similar to the establishment of carbon credits. For the lizard that jiiji is tasked to find, he gets paid! Virtually he ventures forests and meets exotic reptiles for a living...lol.

He allowed me to test out his camera gear and taught me how to capture photos manually. My camera is pretty crap, not good at all for capturing planes. As soon as I get my documents sorted, I will get some allowance money from the government. I want to save up for possibly..some hi-res headphones (SONYYYYYY YYAEEEERRRGHHHH) and most definitely upgrade my camera gear, my camera right now...... I bought it because it was the only one I could afford 5 years ago on my birthday, my aunt was selling it. The lens cannot be detached so can't upgrade , it just stays as is.. I look like a real amateur in contrast to the dudes I sit next to at the airshow and airport... They seem to all have the same lens and body, thoughbeit I can't identify what it is. I've missed out on so many GREAT shots as a consequence of my crappy zooming and resulting quality. Jiiji's camera is heavy.. the lens is hugeeeee... ( ◕▿◕ ) Afterwards, at late night, I tried subway for the first time! Jiiji apologised for taking me to subway but I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!

I'm bad... On last week's Saturday, I met with an old ojisan. I will call him jiiji, he is much older than ojisan, they belong to different generations lol... Jiiji is cool, a biologist, finishing his phd in a university at the city, this is his last year and he's completing his thesis! Jiiji is an actual 'boomer'... he isn't fluent with the internet. Unlike most of my encounters that come from 4chimp, I met jiiji on a sketchy site unheard of by most people but had a population of wild hedonistic and kinky old people from my city (married couples and divorced). I went there knowing the exact nature of the site, I had a fantasy to fulfil, a sick one that would include a married couple above the age of 30. I did this at 16 I think. The idea was that we'd all play a happy family in bed, it's horrible but I thought it was tempting. I wanted to be parented.

Jiiji actually tricked me. He said that his wife and him were looking for a younger female.. but he was just trying to hook me on turns out.. lol. We chatted for months and he came clean, I also came clean about my age (¯▿¯) His wife shows no love for him anymore, bedroom dead. However, they do have 1 son.

We've called a lot but only started meeting this year. This is cheating right?

This is cheating on ojisan, but I don't feel guilty.. and Jiiji is too nice to leave alone lol. He offered me work to be his assistant while he does his thesis work in the forest. 100$ a day to take a walk in the forest, sweet.. he's like a best friend to me.

Though, when we got to the forest where his work was setup, we didn't get a chance to check on the thesis work, he was eating me alive in his ute until it got too dark lol...

pinch.. punch.. first day of the month! ( ˙▿˙ )

Ojisan's nephew is holding a birthday celebration, he's turning 25.. I'll be the only youngin there kek... Ojisan's brother and sister are both well above 35. For this event, I headed to the thrift shop to find something decent to wear. I'm so glad for thrift shops, I wouldn't be able to afford clothes otherwise. I found a floral dress and debated with myself whether it was too girly. But then it occurred to me - I am a girl, isn't this what girls usually wear? (・_・;) I reflected and found that I wear trousers and the same jacket most of the time that I forgot what style is. So I decided this time I will make the most of femininity. Not in a way that is indecent and revealing... but I want to flutter and be treated like a dainty feminine entity (^人^) Stupid isn't it.. to yearn fragility. I hate being a woman

The school assigned me a 'buddy' on my first day like they do to all new students. My buddy is an Indian girl, they assigned her because we have most classes together. It's been 2 weeks now and she still hasn't left. She has friends of her own but they're in grade 9 and 10. Also has nothing in common with me other than that we both would like to enter a medical field. She is obviously one of the upper caste Indians, her mother is abloody doctor.

It's annoying talking to her because I have to pretend and fabricate a character when asked about my personal life, just to seem like I'm like any other kid. "Oh yeah me and my mom love going to (shopping centre nearby) together and eat in the foodcourt!" That's what I said today. I haven't seen that woman in a month. I can't imagine what she would do if instead I told her how much I wanted to strangle that woman, how that woman never loved me, how she treated me as an object rather than a child. Would she even be able to fathom this?

Like any other Indian I've met, she consumes pajeet media (bollywood) (¬_¬ ), celebrates Indian holidays and expresses seemingly unwavering love for her India. LOL you bloody fool.

Other than her whole identity being an annoyance to me. She also seems to never properly listen or be present in conversations. On my first day, we talked about what we wanted to do in university, the specific pathway we prefer. A week later, this girl asks the same thing. And it isn't the first time, it has baffled me because we keep having the same conversations. She tells me the same information about herself. She has told me that she likes k-pop 3 times now in a manner that it is new detail... We already discussed it thoroughly twice, she acts as if we never had the conversation, it's frustrating me.

She awfully complains plenty as well. Lord. She hates every subject. Doesn't express any hunger for knowledge. It's actually dispiriting me. She's ruining my physics class from groaning, my maths classes as well - subjects that I'm fond of attending. And if I don't relate to her senselessness, then she will personify me as a dictator. It's obvious that she only studies because of her Indian upper caste family requirements. I want her to go away already. I will try refraining from entertaining, conversing or warmly greeting her for her to leave me alone. Because at this point, I yearn not to attend school just to avoid interacting with her. Oh how I hate you little indian..

I despise immigrants, they are selfish and ungrateful to me. Something that every real citizen must keep in mind to never fall for the immigrant tale of woe, is that the immigrants seen living in Western nations are the top of their class system in their rightful homelands. The Indians who live in any country beside India are among the wealthy in their home countries, same as any other such as Indonesians. I should know, I have so much experience with immigrants - my own mutter is one. What was her living state in Indonesia? She had the largest house in the village, a large plot of land for farm and abundant wealth.

You can tell that the Indians here are the prestigious. Most of them are narcissistic and self-centred, they feel comfortable behaving this way as they are accustomed to being treated as superior in their backwards caste system in India. Observing their houses, clothing and leisure practices; they are insanely wealthy. Their own pig corrupt families funded their education, then what do they do? They travel elsewhere to be parasites, sending yummy western currency back home so their families can be wealthier. No compassion for their own people, they believe they are the ascended and different Indians just because they managed to be born in wealthy families. While already living in comfort in their own nations, they refused to be content. They yearn for more, they yearn for the romantic and clean idea of western civilisation with all their beautiful creamy women, light skin and mighty modern superiority, oh and Hollywood! Even Indonesians are fixated on this idea. Betraying and leaving their own people to starve and suffer while glamorising their cultchahs in a foreign land. Sickening.

A pattern apparent to me is that the wealthy Indians are always the most light skinned, this is obviously a result of selective breeding within the wealthy classes. These people are disgusting. They shame their fellow darker countrymen, ostracise them.

During my life in Indonesia, I noticed this and it sickened me. Because I was white, adults treated me better and the Indonesian people with Papuan ancestry were humiliated and made ashamed. The adults wanted everything to do with me, latching on like I would bring them back to the West and brighten their offsprings. Oh and the lighter people coming from other regions of Indonesia such as those from the Acehnese tribe were treated superior. Natives humiliating natives, it was so frustrating to watch. And then we are the racist ones? I feel pity for them.

Ojisan watched the footage, I saw a glimpse of my behind on ojisan and felt sick, I blocked my eyes and wanted to cry. Ojisan then just sat there on the tile watching. I was naked in this empty cold room, feeling filthy, disgusting, twisted, guilty and my face became wet from tears. It was so quiet, so hollow. I wanted to get rid of me. I saw ojisan's face, he had that dumb hypnotised face that people have when scrolling youtube shorts or tiktok, reminded me of my stupid mother.

I'm so glad it was just a dream, it felt so real, it was torturous. I'm so glad ojisan isn't like that. He's very nice, he would never do something like that. He's never laid eyes on such twisted things. He would never right? I'm haunted.. Why did it have to include him, now I can't look at him properly without feeling sad or hopeless. Ojisan would never. I'm sick for thinking this, I'm sick for having such a dream. I'm sick and filthy... And nobody ever wants to know me. I'm disgusting. I feel like crying again..

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkhhhchchhrhrhhrhrhrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Eweewee ew ew ew ew ew ew ew e w e w eweewww

I had a horrible dream last night..FFFUUUUUU. When I woke up from it I was cold sweating and my stomach felt so sick. Whyy... Why does it keep coming back... Please.. I thought alcohol would make me forget, it just made it stronger, worse, and TWISTED.

ITS FILTHY SO FILTHYYYFILTHYFIlhty

sigh..............................................................

In the dream, ojisan wanted to make money by filming us doing lewd things, I agreed because I suppose he was in a tight situation or something. But then I noticed that he was on a tor website. He says "This is the platform, we're meeting with the agency". WHen I looked at the website, I was bloody sick. It was a cp website and there were categories of ages. I swear man, I wanted to kill myself seeing that. I wanted to just slice my neck with whatever object was near, I felt just full of despair and helplessness, I just wanted to bloody die. Then in the dream, ojisan clicks on a video to show me examples.. It was a smallgirl being ra***d... She was crying and trying to fight, scratching.. I couldn't look away in the dream, I just watched the whole bloody thing. Then I looked at ojisan's face and he was smiling. I couldn't believe it, I couldn't even speak.

Then, a man came in with a camera telling us to get started. So I undressed and ojisan pulled it out then laid on the white ceramic floor. Ojisan tapped on his penis implying to me I should go there. And I did. I inserted it and as I was doing that the guy with the camera opened the lens and filmed behind me, very closely to the place of insertion. I felt so sick, but in the dream I had no option, I couldn't stop. Ojisan grabbed my hips and moved me up and down so quickly, it hurt.. it hurt my brain.. it hurt down there.. Normally in dreams I don't feel physical plain yknow, but this one stung.

The guy continued to film behind me, zooming in and out. I think in the dream I was younger than I am now because the guy kept calling me bloody 'kid'. He said 'good kid' and 'put your back here kid'. After, ojisan ejaculated inside me, and I hopped off. THe dude closed the camera and placed it on a kitchen bench. THe room was just an unfurnished apartment, with tile floor, and the kitchen structure. Then he says that he's not going to give us the money and said he was just fooling us. Ojisan was pissed but the man left, leaving the camera there. Ojisan watched the footage, I saw a g

During the movie, I felt so hot that I needed to take my shirt off. I laid my head on ojisan's lap, and he put his hand on my stomach. But as the movie progressed, I felt the heat climb to my head.. Geez I was so horny. I grabbed ojisan's hand and slipped it under my bra, he squeezed so hard. I took off my bra and throughout the movie, ojisan was just playing with my breasts like stress balls.. And when I laid on my back, he patted my back and head like a cat.. (=^‥^=) immediately when the movie ended.. he was really hard. I could barely stand but he managed to get me in bed, he laid me down and rubbed it on my chest then immediately came all over my face and the bed... there are white spots there now, he should really wash it. It's reeking of semen lol, but I don't think he has spare sheets.

I got a birth control implant too during the week, it was funny because I was still in my school uniform. The doctors looked boggled. I had to go right after school, ojisan wanted it as soon as possible kek. Tomorrow we're going to test and see if it works (¬‿¬ )~

Ever since trying alcohol, I've been craving it everyday. When I walk past a bar, I want to barge in and drink. If only I had my passport.. My mom refuses to give it to me until I become an ornament again for her and travel with her to Indonesia. She's trying to make contracts with agencies over there, sick woman. That's all I am for her, an ornament, a money cow to show to her friends and upheave her status in the stupid caste system. I'm getting angry just thinking of her. She wants me to be a mindless doll for her.

Tomorrow me and ojisan are going to eat chicken and get drunk again, yay. What a hedonistic pleasure. I hope I don't deteriorate my brain from alcohol, I'll get addicted. The release of pain feels too good.

Last Friday I tried alcohol for the first time, ojisan isn't scared of giving it to me anymore because in my country the age for alcohol is 18 ＼(￣▽￣)／ To be honest, it did not taste how I imagined beer to taste... It's.. bitter. I really like ginger ale/beer, I thought it'd taste similar just with alcohol brewed in... I was wrong, it's 'basic', tangy and has a horrible aftertaste as well lol. Not sweet at all...

Ojisan was surprised when I chugged 3 bottles of it in such a short amount of time, I suppose I was desperate to be drunk. I wanted to leave this world for a little while. After 30 mins, it hit me heavy keke.. My head was pulsating and my body felt like it was overheating.. I was getting sweaty and my head wanted to touch the ground. We were playing resident evil 6 co-op but I didn't know what I was doing anymore and I kept dying.

So me and ojisan just sat and drank, he was browsing movies and stumbled on 'alien'. He really likes horror movies so he wanted to rewatch it..... what ensued was embarrassing.. eeeembarrassing.. (¯▿¯) But before I knew it I was in bed with ojisan, I dont know why but I couldn't stop laughing. I was snorting and giggling, my head was so light. I was meowing at ojisan too.. So embarrassing.. I felt like running around but ojisan held me tightly and told me to relax, I groaned so much XD I feel bad for ojisan to have to tolerate me in such a state.

The next day I had to do an indonesian language test at a weekend school, it's one of the subjects I chose but since my day school doesn't facilitate it, I have to go to another location every saturday. It only lasts 3 hours. I scored high on my last one, I feel bad.. the teacher praised me and looked hopeful that I was finally putting effort into the language classes.. But I didn't even study more than I did before, lol? It's cool though, I'm expecting to do average in it anyway, it's not so important for my final scores, just a little boost.

The dream sequence I had of her was peaceful. It played just after a stressful dream sequence where I was being hunted, shot then executed, I'm having a lot of dreams about being shot, I think it's because of all the resident evil games..LOL

In the dream, me and my old friend were laying down in a soft white bed with a comfy pillow, thick cozy white blanket. Everything was spotless, it was pure clean white bedding with no friction. She was hugging my head into her brown breasts, she smelled like fresh febreeze air mist, it was clean like breathing near a waterfall in the middle of the forest. The smell was cool, fresh like the cold mountains covered in dew but my body was warm throughout, I felt the drowsy kind of warm. I could also see glances of her black long straight hair she had when we were friends falling from her shoulders into my face. I could've laid there for all eternity. I moved my head to her soft stomach covered with natural strands of hair. For some reason, I felt really mesmerised by her body hair, I remember feeling some awe. Then I touched my lips on it and sat up.

(;´Д`) THen it ended and I skipped to a new dream where I got my bag full of school books wet in the ocean while I tried to run from the rising tide with all my stationary along with my belongings falling out of my arms. As I kept trying to move back to get away from the crashing waves, it kept going back and then soaking me wet again. I was with my family and my dad kept murmuring angrily and my mum was interrogating me, screaming: "WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE JUST TO GET US ALL WET". A lot of feelings of hopelessness.. lol..

it lasted a mere 2 weeks I think. We noticed that nothing changed under the different relationship title. That is one among many instances in which I sabotaged our friendship. After that occurence, we became more awkward and she leaned into her other friend, which caused violent tendencies in me from jealousy, some I unfortunately expressed. Painting myself as a devil.

I'm glad they left me, I would have only harmed them more and more, just as well as they would have tormented me with their behaviour. Now we're nothing but estranged, I have her contacts, but whenever I reach out, I always gather that she doesn't want to talk to me. I suppose we're too different now, she also has made a lot of new friends. Smart girl.

I had a dream about one of my past friends in primary school who also accompanied me through some of middle school until she left. It was a friendship I repeatedly liked to sabotage yet out of no other choice, she still stayed with me. Other than me, she had only one other friend, whom I violently despised out of jealousy and spite. Despite all my effort to harm and detach her friend away, they ironically still remain friends until now. Their connection was greater than mine, they were greatly relatable to each other. While she could only see me as a strange, different creature, I could tell that's how they personified me. The amount of times they would call me strange or insane, I lost count. It is unfortunate that I had to have people around at the worst time of my life to watch me unfold the filth of my childhood, people who now keep the memories. I can't forget so it is unlikely they will. That turmoil lasted a large 5 years before I became the amalgamation I kept constant to now.

So many aspects of their lives annoyed me, they were so ignorant and carefree. I felt that I had been shoved into the pits of hell, then brought out to interact with innocent newborn angels. It constantly felt strange, it wasn't right that they had to be with me. I constantly harmed myself, physically and socially.

In grade 7, I was spiralling for another year. Yet that friend was the only person that felt rational, the stillness and stead in her comforted me. She says the same things everyday, likes the same things everyday, lives the same emotions as well. I appreciated her peaceful character yet she would often call her life: 'boring'. Being the only person my age that I talked to, it felt nice, sometimes relieving. When I get to meet her after class, there was a warm anticipation in my core, I would even sweat sometimes from the thrill. I confused this with 'love'. It wasn't love, she was just my first ever true friend, she introduced me to the warm feeling of friendship.

Being under the notion that I was in love, I confessed to her. I didn't want my only friend to ever leave me, I needed to seal her with marriage. She was confused, but for some reason agreed to be my 'girlfriend'. I think that warm feeling I experienced was mutual, she sometimes also seemed happy to see me. I still have my confession letter but I left it at my parent's house, I would have attached a picture of it.

Ofcourse, it wasn't long until we realised that we were just friends and there was no romantic interest, it lasted a mere 2 weeks I th

Running in the rain is nice, it feels deceitfully much more effective just because of the effort required. It felt nice, but the reality is I only rooned 1/3 of the target distance and there was much more walking as well.(´～`) My last roon was a week ago, I can't stop now, I still need to do it twice a week. I was fighting myself to do it on Monday, but there was always some excuse. NEXT ROON: THURSDAY, 3KM, INTERVALS OF 2 MIN, 1 MIN REST WALK IN BETWEEN... that is until muscle fatigue,, where I need to take a 2 min walk atleast in order for my legs to work again ehe. (´人｀)

I was studying on me and ojisan's queen bed when I got cold, so I lifted the blanket. When I did, I could smell the lingering scent of semen and sweat (＾་།＾)

Just sitting beside ojisan on the couch and playing games crazily turns me on, not to mention being in bed with him with his arm on my waist. Every night I get so horny I relentlessly start to whiff him while also enticing him to crush me. I love when he licks my neck, I'm especially sensitive there, ojisan always has to tell me to quiet down or else his mom might hear.

Sometimes we only do it at night, but often it's both morning and night, I don't have school yet so I've been rotting in bed a lot.. Ojisan starts work typically at around 11, so it gives us time.

Yesterday morning ojisan did the unthinkable and told me to lay down on my stomach, I was thinking, does he seriously think it could reach? Last time his belly was blocking him XD But he lifted my hips up while pushing my head down to the bed and sure enough he could put it in. It shocked me and it was pretty painful. Luckily ojisans mom is gone in the morning so I could groan and moan all I want. The kitty is always at the end of the bed sleeping though lol. It hurts so bad yet feels shoo gooud.. while humping, he grabbed my neck and started pulling my hair too. I love it when he is ferally rough (ﾒ﹏ﾒ) last week he left so much bites and bruises on my neck, I'm thankful that they're gone now because school starts tomorrow. He doesn't last a minute in me, he immediately came on my back, felt warm.. In my head I always say "fill me up to the brim ojisan pleeeeass real deep" but I can't muster up the degeneracy to say it out loud. I wish I could dirty talk but I'm way too shy.

Last night while hugging ojisan tightly, Iwas too shy to say "I love you" because I truly do. He's the only one in this world who cares to see me cry, who has hugged me so warmly without any hateful sentiment. I need to say it.. I was repeating it so many times in my head but so scared to say it, my mouth wouldn't budge.. I'm horny again but ojisan is working.. I'll eat him up tonight so I can focus in school (- - )

I generally have less things to stress about since moving here, ojisan's mom treats me like royalty and feeds me nice, she buys me apples and orange juice when she goes to the store. Then I can also go out whenever I like to run or just take a walk, nobody bothers me while I study and draw. It's so nice. I feel slightly guilty for leaving my little brother, now I'm not able to teach him lessons anymore and I'm certain that nobody else will in the household. He's smart, I hope he makes good decisions without me there and doesn't obey that devil woman, she misleads everyone. Speaking of her, she keeps contacting me, calling me just to insult and plant horrid ideas in my head. 2 days ago she was talking about how my body has no worth anymore, 'like a candy without its wrapper, tasted by flies' those were the exact words she used. But for some reason I can never hang up, or stop messaging back, she's so lost that I feel pity. I have so much hate for her that I feel pity, I can't imagine to be so heartily hated by your own child. My dad and my older brother says they never want to see me again. Fair I suppose. Albeit, I've always considered my older brother my bestest friend, we shared so many interests together, in every social gathering, we were always talking with each other, walking around places. I remember walking with him in the outbacks watching the sunset and visiting a lookout, we talked all the way there and back. About the state of countries, what we think will happen in the world, this was 4 years ago by now I think. Though I knew he was rude at times, I always forgave him, when he said he didn't care about me anymore, I didn't care. I still cared for him, he has taught me so much on politics and finance. His explanations suited my way of thought as well, when I didn't understand how the jet engine worked, he repeated it so many times to me until I understood it thoroughly, when I forgot, he would explain it all again. He was very passionate about it, so he liked discussing it. He says that he learns as well when he explains to others, it solidifies his understanding.

I'm not very worried about our current state of relationship because I know we'll always be able to get on well, I know everything about him, what he likes, dislikes, his darkest moments in life, his horrors, what he regrets, memories he is tormented by. When we meet again, we'll be the bestest of friends again for sure so even though he doesn't consider me a human being right now he's still my bestest friend.

I couldn't afford the uniform yet the principal arranged for me second hand ones for free! The school is ultimately free since I pirated all the school books already. I'm content with the state of service, so much support! (¯▿¯)

While waiting for enrolment, I've been trying to familiarise myself with this new style of life. I have to shave everyday now and do my hair, quite strenuous especially when ojisan doesn't even require showers to make me head over heels for him, there is an imbalance, I really dislike being a woman.

I moved out of house and now live with ojisan, I guess we're married now, just not legally. I never thought I'd get married so early in life, I've still got 1.5 years of school. As I said in my previous acc, my parents ofcourse express extreme disproval, they don't think I'm responsible. But that's because they know nothing about me, most people who encounter me in life receive the impression that I am mature. The last friends I had 3 years ago would call me a 30 year old man in a 15 yo girl's body, they teased me for sounding so old, boring, informative and I hated them for calling me that, because it feels like I've never had the chance to be a careless kid. I think that's one of the reasons I can't help but be critical and cold all the time, my dad criticised me for being such way. Saying "stop being tight". But I've never completely absorbed any advice my parents gave, to me they were the immature ones, could never do anything independently and always whining about their jobs. I realised that most adults are this way, they still groan and whine about their life while holding entire power to change it. I've always found it disturbing that teachers at school, those who've already experienced decades in this world before us students, complained about their position to us. It even made me more uneasy that they could relate to how we felt as kids in a classroom, "I get that feeling" they would say. It's not proper. This is not the way they should behave. Worse, they promote their ungracious outlook. When the students yawn or feel boredom, they accept this and relate. Improper.

Now that I'm a legal adult, I feel the most disconnected with others at school. I have to be appropriate, I have to be rational, I have to be responsible. I'm one year older than everyone else my grade as a result of exchanging between countries, before I already felt ostracised but now it is heavier.

I optimised my position as a legal adult and exited myself out of my previous school without my parent's knowledge and enrolled myself to a school in the region of ojisan's house. I cleaned my room, packed all of my wardrobe and got our through my window. Ojisan was there with his mom to pick me up since he doesn't have a car yet. It's more than a week now, my first day of school is on Friday. The process of enrolment took a while since I couldn't bring any of my identity documents and now my parents refuse to hand it over. So I'll have to renew all that. I'm so very grateful to be in a first world country, I couldn't afford the unifo

The lustful face of ojisan is burnt into my mind, I keep replaying the last time we met. When he went inside, I ruined it by crying again, I don't know what to call that heavy and straining feeling in my head. All I know is that it's not ojisan's fault. Everytime I do, he apologises for causing too much pain and hugs me, caresses my head. I wish I could tell him that but I get too embarrassed.

At first, he ended in less than a minute just from rubbing. So the second time, he held it in for as long as he could. I could see the pain in his face, ojisan was making this crumpled face and I thought it was just so cute. (´♡‿♡`) I couldn't help but go on top of him and put it in, I could see that it was tormenting him. He looked dazed, staring at the ceiling like he was concentrating but being pulled away by pleasure at the same time. When he couldn't handle it anymore, he was slurring his words trying to get me off. Like: "fhhh.. fddhbhhdhhh.. nhoohh.." Just so so cute. (o´∀`o) I nearly let him finish inside but I took it out just before that. Seems like his sperm was so compressed/strained that it couldn't come out all at once, it was lagging. I probably shouldn't do it again, he'll get erectile disfunction or something. But I really want to hear him slur from helplessness like that again. So pure and cute..

I ran today after 2 weeks, my objective for the end of the year is to reach 4km endurance... Right now I can only run 500m at most without stopping, that's very low, bewildering that I am one of the more athletic kids in PE; just goes to tell how bad the fitness of immigrant women are. I lack consistency, according to the rooning experts on 4chimp, twice a week is minimal if you want to develop endurance. And I can't believe I am actually following a running planner from a pic in the thread, it didn't feel so effective but I'll continue and progress to see if intermediate is more challenging. My breathing is good yet since it's winter, my throat becomes so dry after 1 or 2 mins and I need to interrupt the rhythm by swallowing my saliva, when teh breathing rhythm stops, my body panicks and then goes crazy gasping.. I suppose I should drink water before the run. Never during, makes my stomach go crazy.. I can feel the water jumping everywhere (・人・)