im so excited to use nikiwikis!

today has been really strange because i found my boss on the epstein files.

i have some work to do as well hm... lets hope that this sunday evening is a productive one!

one big thing i remember from my dream is that i got a giant leg tattoo of dog heads skewered together like that one sweet dessert (no blood or anything). it looked really cool and the dog heads seemed happy. they kinda looked husky-like but all white. i had 2 older tattoos on that leg in the dream but i seemed displeased about them lol, one was the moon and one was a portrait, both right above the dog skewer tat

there is so much that weighs on my heart, but i can't let go of any of it, not yet. i haven't been talking to anyone about the good things that have come my way out of fear of of the evil eye. i will be brave this time and i will say this: i prayed and prayed when i was in my old relationship, and God extended Her hand and placed it on the ache in my chest and said "I will show you how easy it is to love you." instantly, everything changed -- instantly! and i can now say that i have looked at love in the eyes, and i have had to look away when love smiled at me because it was like staring at the sun, and love has finally taken me to florence, the city i knew i would visit with love one day. and love graciously invited me to turin, because love remembered that it's my favourite city...



my psychiatry team is so talented, too. dissociative disorders are already controversial as they are, and i've felt horrible whenever i've had to talk about my experiences with mine because of the stigma... but they're so understanding of it and of my past experiences with medical professionals. i'm so lucky, i'm actually tearing up as i write this.



i will stop here on all of the good that has happened to me. i'm with good company and i have some tea to finish before it gets cold <3 take care

we redid my whole bedroom, its so different now. i cant wait to sit on my desk again, its been so long

phew! what a productive month.



the wiki idea is so good!! i'm so hyped to see it



i haven't been online much - health crisis after health crisis, but i'm used to this new body now.



onwards!

i dreamt that i was either athena or that i was seeing things through her eyes. crazy. also it felt like i was floating out of my body while falling asleep, like i was hovering above it and then slowly tumbled to the right

had a dream that i got kidnapped. thankfully i'll have all of the ingredients i need for my dream tea tomorrow so we'll see if it'll help with the nightmares

hyped to expand my cockatiel's play area!! got him some new stuff that i hope he'll like

i'm gathering the ingredients to the tea that made me have dreams that felt like months/years/almost a lifetime! it was 2 different teas technically, but they both had similar ingredients. combining both, the updated list would be:



mugwort, wormwood, blue lotus, shatavari, valerian, cornflower, lavender, chamomile, anise, rosemary, lemon balm, and skullcaps

woke up several times. i felt a little guilty that i got out of bed yet, but my dreams were a lot of fun so it doesnt really feel like i wasted any time. some bad parts as usual but most of them were alright. i was at a resort with friends in one of them

when people say they want to go back to times when some subtypes of people didn't exist, you have pictures and artifacts to prove that this isn't true. people had tattoos in the 50s. we had colourful hair dyes in the 1600s. there are recipes to "restore virginity" and "fix cracked lips from too much kissing" from the 1200s. people were bleaching their hair and dressing "edgy" ways in the times of diodorus. pre-colonisation indigenous societies had gnc people, gay, and bisexual people, which were persecuted by the spaniards. trans people have existed since ancient times under different labels. and we know this because people bothered to take pictures, to write, to make art, and to preserve archives. i don't want people in the 2070s to lament for times when i didn't exist, when my friends didn't exist, because no proof remained.

finally embedded my diary to my neocities! for now it lives over at the index page of my library https://baalbek.neocities.org/angellibrary/ where i'll be moving most of my writings

it feels nice to donate money to causes i care about. i wish i had more to donate more - sometimes idk if it's better to spread out my donations or give more to a few



i forgot to eat properly again. i had a salad, at least. i never know how to budget for food properly, but i'm thankful that i don't *need* more money, i'm just not good at buying groceries



i think part of it is that i dislike having a communal kitchen so i end up ordering meals or buying pre-made stuff from the market. i would buy appliances to put in my room but i won't be able to take them with me when i move and my flatmates have no use for them (since they use the kitchen)



ah...

i have to go outside to get some stuff i ordered for ica (pellets & an automatic feeder) but it's so loud and the sun is so bright

[15:18]crow: funnily enough the only thing i remember from the nightmare is that i told myself "oh wow this is worse than any nightmare ive had" but i cant recall anything from it

[15:19]crow: there was another bit where i was out with my class (but they were all fictional people) and wr were visiting an old castle

[15:20]crow: we reach a corridor with a chute that looks like a garbage chute kinda

[15:21]crow: so me and my friends pretend we're going in for funsies but someone (a prof or someone who works on the castle grounds) tells us we have to go in to give an offering to God??

[15:21]crow: and im like shit i really don't wanna do it but i also dont wanna chicken out

[15:21]crow: so i wake up

[15:21]crow: and when i fall asleep im in front of the chute again except i know its a dream

[15:22]crow: so i go through it and fall fall fall and its like this whole underground section is a factory

[15:22]crow: everything looks industrial

[15:22]crow: i land in a room "with God" but all i remember is seeing a dead bird

[15:22]crow: i think it was an owl

[15:23]crow: and one of my professors was there

[15:23]crow: in another dream i was in the middle of the sea with that prof and another and i was holding onto a surfboard while they were showing me how easy it was to walk on water

[15:24]crow: then one of them even hovered above the water and i freaked out when he tried to take me with him

[15:24]crow: told him i was afraid of water ?? lol

[15:25]crow: there were more

i was in a field of statues but they were all just heads and everything was white and glowing slightly

[15:25]crow: i was in a classroom with my headphones and a few students from dubai were talking to me in french and arabic and some of them were upset that i was wearing headphones so i showed them i wasnt

[15:26]crow: and also i remember that in all of the dreams i was dressed just like i fell asleep

[15:27]crow: so i had comments from people asking me if id come back from the gym and id look down and see i was wearing my sweatpants (and i had my headphones on)

i've been spending a lot of time alone. i barely talk nowadays, save for "ciao", a number, & "grazie" to the delivery staff. it's not like i don't have anyone or anything, people have been texting me & stuff but i can't reply. it's like i'm not allowed? comes with 'the disorder' for free i guess. arbitrary rules & roles. i think something happened but i can't remember much of anything. i hope it passes soon, i miss being alive. i sort of wish people would leave me alone so i could do less than ideal stuff guilt-free.



i had a dream i was confronted for the tattoo on my hand. "tno.f"



i know it's silly but i can't fathom the steps between my life now and the life i want. ialso couldn't fathom the steps between my old life and where i'm at right now, so i don't know why i even bother to worry.



i haven't had any alcohol in a while. i guess that's a good thing. i got more polaroid film. i also wanted to get a camcoder but i'm trying to force myself to get better at using the polaroid first.