i did a dumb thing at work. i asked if i could have a nametag with my nickname on it rather than my real name. the reason being, i've had creepy customers try and succeed at finding my social media accounts by my first name only.

the manager said it wouldn't be a problem as long as it wasn't anything inappropriate. the next day, the creepy manager that most women don't like called me by my nickname and it made my skin crawl. so i went back to using my old nametag.

anyway, going to be adding more stuff soon. is it art and writing. hahaha that's funny. no, it's random shit that nobody asked for. hoozah.

why does it feel like i'm carrying the weight of the whole world? i am tired and as sick as it gets without getting actually bedridden. oh, i forgot to take this off... *takes off watch*

my body is aching and so is my brain and so is my heart. i have stuff to study for tomorrow- it's the last exam and i don't want to mess it up. it's almost midnight but i've to finish this, and i also need to pack up all my stuff to vacate my room tomorrow. that's a lot of work. i also have a decent amount to carry while traveling so it won't do to feel weak. i haven't seen my boyfriend all day long because he's sick and i don't want him to sit in front of that darned computer. so yeah- i'm drained and i'm not going to write a nicely fabricated article here. i'm just gonna dump my stress here.

i have been slogging and studying hard for a straight month now. not regular studying but intense work. my first year in college has come to an end and i'm not sure where i'm standing right now. my relationship is taking all kinds of turns and wobbles and we're struggling to keep it holding. i'm waiting, waiting, waiting... been waiting for it to turn into a no-distance relationship. i have had exams for ten days by now so that has been very draining. i've been eating a lot of junk food so my health isn't quite at the top either. i've neglected my mind and body endlessly chasing after good scores because i need it desperately. i've been making new friends and been exploring new dimensions of fitting in with people. and i've been having some troubles with my folks at home- it seems like a fight in inevitable when i go home.

everything feels heavy and all my problems and solutions seem half-assed. i'm burned out and i've no energy for a fight or to justify myself or to hear ANY criticism when i go home. i need a break. THEY NEED TO UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF A BREAK. and they need to start giving me some privacy ffs. two whole months of some good moments but also a lot of fights, being misunderstood, zero privacy, being taken to be showed big-shot salarypeople and their offices (I DON'T GIVE A SINGLE FLYING F*CK), and no space to talk to my boyfriend.

huh.



SIGH.

... because it's going to be a no-distance one very soon. Feels like fresh winter. Feels like the smell of the earth when it rains. Feels like my favorite song. Feels like home.

Since the distance is soon going to be gone, I want to write what it did to me and what it taught me. It taught me that I was both fundamentally right and wrong about how these man-woman things work. I've always thought that relationships are equal to eternal happiness and that one person who's truly your own and you can do anything with. The idea of having a whole person to myself whom I can talk to, run with and kiss anytime! I was right about that, but I learnt that a relationship isn't eternal happiness. In any relationship, there are a few stages. First, there's the honeymoon phase- everything feels right and my idea of eternal happiness seemed perfect. Then comes the realization- that the person you're looking at isn't entirely what you thought. The differences start creeping in, inner thoughts get voiced and feelings are hurt. All these things happen, and there's no escape.

But then comes the adjustment phase, after which lies the real, permanent, lifelong comfort of a relationship. For which putting out whatever's in your heart is the key. You listen to what hurts them and you tell what hurts you. I've been proven wrong- and I'm glad I was, because otherwise I'd be looking for a lost cause forever. A good, stable relationship doesn't come out of two people who fit together like puzzle pieces- yeah, that seems appealing because it's easy (and not real)- but the best real choice you have is someone who's willing to be your piece even if they're not one by default.

In my case, the adjustment phase overlaps perfectly with the end of this long-distance the start of a no-distance. It hasn't been easy. Especially at our age. I'm still working on learning to speak my heart. But I'm glad I stayed. Even if it doesn't feel quite the way I wanted it to right now, I held up and I will. We both will. Not because we're perfect for each other- but we're the only ones willing to be perfect for each other.

i was having really bad headaches and nausea for at least two weeks straight. like really bad, maybe they were migraines but i've barely had any and can't really tell the difference. anyways, it got so bad that i had to wake my mom up in the middle of the night to tell her i was in extreme pain, and i burst into tears when i did. which was not my intention, i cannot stand crying in front of someone, but i was so emotional from the constant pain that i just ended up crying.

we ended up lying on the couch together and watched the fourth harry potter movie until i could fall asleep (fuck jk rowling, but the movies are a special part of my childhood with my mom).

the next day i called my doctor and we decided i'd stop my meds. i was honestly kinda worried that the meds weren't the source of problem and i was going to stop them for no reason, but since i've stopped i haven't had a single headache or felt any nausea! which is a good thing, but i'm just so surprised. it was only 1% of people taking the meds that experience headaches after longer than two weeks on it. i can't imagine being in the 1% of anything, so i was in denial for a little bit. but i feel better now, although my fingers are starting to flare up again. the meds were for my arthritis, and now without them it's gonna start bugging me again. but i much prefer the pain in my fingers over my head.

i think i've done fairly good this time round... if i do get a good score i'll be relieved more than anything else. i've 4 hours left- take off 30 minutes for lunch, so i've 3.5 hours. alright, let's revise this once.

added new stuff. taking a break from uploading dream journal entries for a while, but i found some old drawings to upload, so that's nice.

should i just leave? i definitely cannot exist like this for my whole life and it's very, very, very clear that it's only me who's feeling this. he's absolutely not. but as always, like EVERY FUCKING time, something has come up (my exams) and i cannot discuss this today, again. i wish i was a flower.

i tried really hard to put together clearly what i feel. because it's not just any stupid fear or insecurity anymore and i gotta be clear about it. but today's not the day to say it, either...

I need him to understand that this isn’t only about insecurity or me not understanding programming.

I think the overall dynamic between us has started exhausting me emotionally, and I’ve been struggling to explain that properly. When he gets really excited and goes deep into long discussions about programming, politics, ideas, etc., I know he's just being himself and sharing what he loves. But for me, it often feels emotionally overwhelming instead of connecting. I think part of it is tied to my own history with constantly feeling pushed toward “potential,” math/science, intellectual curiosity, and all of that. So even when he means well, something in me shuts down and starts feeling small, pressured, or disconnected. And the hard part is that I still care about him a lot, so I keep trying to force myself to feel okay with it instead of admitting how drained I’ve actually been feeling. I mean, I don't have an answer if he says "So what do you want me to do?"

I’m not saying he's wrong for being who he is. I’m saying I don’t think he fully understands what this dynamic feels like from inside my head. I don’t fully know what the fix is yet, and I think that’s part of why I’ve been struggling so much. I just know that the current dynamic keeps hurting me emotionally, and I can’t keep pretending it doesn’t. I’m not bringing this up to him because I have a perfectly structured solution already. But when I do, I’m bringing it up because I need him to understand that this has become real and serious for me. It's not just an insecurity anymore.

I think one of the hardest things for me to admit is that I’ve been feeling emotionally incompatible for a while, even though I kept trying to push past it. It’s not because he's a bad person or because I don’t care about him. I do. But a lot of our day-to-day conversations and the overall dynamic between us don’t feel emotionally natural or comfortable to me anymore, no matter how much I try to force myself to adjust to it. I keep feeling like I’m trying to become someone who naturally thrives in this kind of constant analytical, intense communication style, but I don’t think that’s actually who I am. And because I care about him, I kept hoping I could eventually make myself feel differently instead of admitting that I’ve been struggling with this for a long time.

I've been doing pretty well mentally overall. I was a lesbian but i met a guy that i actually like...and hes actually a decent person... waow. Unfortunately i am the proud owner of $50 only to my name so im planning a date to get some money at least for a car payment, so close to owning!

i feel like such a disease. i feel like every time someone interacts with me im dragging them down with me for as long as we're talking. i dont think im meant to have friends. i think i need to get as far away from them as possible for good. i need to