I had a dream. I was sitting at my desk, as usual, nothing abnormal like one would expect from dreams. I was on call on my computer with a stereotypically serious and gritty Private Investigator. They had a deep voice, and the call was only audio, so I couldn’t see his face. He couldn’t see mine.



I was talking about my problems to them. Nothing a Private Investigator could really investigate on - it’s just the normal, everyday problems that I have to deal with. As I’d speak, he’d “hm” and “okay”, not offering any therapeutic advice.



At this point of the dream, I was alone in my room talking. But, I guess, in a few seconds, time had passed to the point my ma was talking to the PI, in her Chinese-accented English.



The detective was sharing his screen, revealing the google doc he worked on while I was basically venting last time. It was a bullet-pointed, concise list with big text. Like at size 14 in google docs probably…



My ma was asking him questions, and the PI was replying placatingly, I guess so I wouldn’t be scolded. He didn’t really even detail that much of my issues. It was extremely vague.

am i not just keeping aside my real nature and pretending to be neutral because i want to be free from pain? i'm just stowing away the pain; i haven't found a way to correct it myself. amusing how we humans can't solve every problem- we just stow it away and that goes so much against my nature of picking every small thing and getting it right. huh. but the puppet dance must go on... because if i stop i'll fall into a whirlpool again. but i'm not accepting defeat. this is only temporary. i don't live like this ever. this is just not my style. if my life keeps directing me back to this puppet dance i'm going to make i completely eliminate the pain by hook or by crook because i ain't a puppet and i don't dance. i live how i want, and i don't stow away my emotions. i confront them and open them up and study them no matter what. i'm willing to settle for puppeting temporarily, but never permanently.

Had my first stream ever. It was so incredible seeing all my friends visit the stream and be so supportive of me!!! I'll always be grateful for all the friends I've made along the way. Thank you cuties!! I legit had to take a nap after, because being do excited took a lot of energy from me. I hope to experience this intense joy sometime again, and all the love from my new family. Love you <3

it's been only one day. i broke out quickly but i feel like i just jumped into a deep pool where it's difficult to swim. i feel tired. i worked, exercised and have been trying to keep my brain from thinking of it... and yet i don't feel completely confident. well, it's only been one day and i haven't had a meltdown so that's progress. but this is all very consuming, i will say. sometimes i wish i didn't feel everything at such high intensity- but i'm built like that. that's just how i am and i can't change it. i can break out and spend the the whole day doing things but at night i inevitably come back and feel hollow. i'm trying so, so hard i feel like i'm going to boil but what choice do i have? i'm telling myself that this situation that can't be solved right away doesn't deserve my energy- but the pain won't stay at bay completely. growing up is hard and the world is cruel.

i worked this past weekend at the cafe. i don't do well in heat, so i feel like i wasn't at my best ... and on monday i turned into sludge. yeah i want to improve my work ethic

sometimes i don't feel human and get thought paralysis. my brain loops on the same thing over and over. i want to learn how to unlock so i can move again. aaaaaaah yeah

9. most importantly, be yourself. don't change yourself for any kind of validation.

maybe i'll always be like this. big, big, unexpected changes within a day or two.

believe it or not, i've always been like this. my mom says i learnt to walk within two days of the first try. i stopped eating, sleeping, and kept crying till i did it, because baby feet probably hurt. but i did it. and that's how i am even today.

i have been battling with a pain so huge i thought i'd permanently fallen prey to it. i thought i can never function normally again. it's been a deep, deep pain. i started drowning and fighting it pointlessly. but yesterday i decided enough was enough. i made my heart strong, talked it out, worked, and slept. now the problem itself will last for two more months. what i did is find the strength to not feel pain for two months. it seemed impossible, impossible, impossible... and then it's somehow now possible, because of two events spread over two days. two days. i cannot believe that's all it took. looks like i'm still strong. i've now learnt to tame my emotions, too! all this while i was capable of taming anything as long as i was happy, but never capable to taming my emotions themselves. i have now learnt it and i never have to feel all that pain again.

at least for today i'm happy. that's a win.

the second event that happened that led to this was a YouTube video i found today in the morning. i don't know what category another person might fit it into- cliche? obvious? i really don't know. all i know is that i don't want to forget what it taught me. or, rather, reminded me.

1. quit looking at curated lifestyles. what you see online is not real.

2. stop reacting to everything. not everything deserves your energy.

3. there's no need for aesthetics- just style as you're comfortable. style as you're confident.

4. there's no point acting productive if you don't feel it. get enough sleep.

5. exercise. and eat as much as you need, and only as much as you need.

6. don't stick to things that drain you. it can be situations, people or substance. walking away quietly is often better for yourself.

7. stop resenting your past or parents. the anger and hurt feel like they protect you and give you a valid reason to not work on yourself, but they actually don't. your peace and energy matter more than being right about your pain.

8. focus on your work, don't overthink it. and when not working, do what you like. there's no pressure to find your "Thing" as long as you can get work done and live happily. just be patient, and learn things when you're in a good state of mind.

9. most i

i miss you. we went to the folk festival before you left. we smoked a joint in the grass and we didn't get scared. you laid your head on my shoulder and i laid my hand on your thigh and we didn't get scared. that was our last late night adventure. i miss us under the bar lights, skating on top of the parking garage, getting skipped by our uber because we're kissing on the curb. nobody believes me when i say we aren't together. everyone asks me if i've done it yet. they ask me what i'm waiting for. if i want something so badly, why don't i just make it happen? i don't know. maybe some of the behaviors we learn when we're stuck in the closet never go away.

I think my brain is melting from all this HTML. But I'm working on it!!!!