nothing. not even happiness. not even the person you love. you have to work for everything. and it's not always mechanical work. it's more of the emotional and mental work, to be frank. you have to hold your patience, allow yourself to be tested and toasted over and over again, and hold up anyway. all you can do is do your best to hold up and hope that it will suffice and it will be worth it. looks like i will have to summon the rough me again. i was hoping i'd never have to take that me out again- but hey, like i said, nothing seems to come for free. alright. let's get to work.

i need to find ways to lessen distraction. ugh.

Test

It's a sunny, beautiful, fast-paced but happy day today! I have been energetic so far, and I think I can get some good work done today. I woke up and heard his voice. His sleepy voice when he's snuggling in my arms and says 'I love you' is the best thing I've ever heard. I took a nice bath and had a good breakfast. I studied for a bit and went to my class, listening to and singing along songs. Everything looks so pretty today. He looked the prettiest. The sky, the flowers, my friends, everything is so pretty today. And when I take a break, I'll eat and nap with him :)

Sometimes things may seem hopeless. If you too are like me (future me, you too, read this if you're making the same mistake), please know, that even things that seem 'cringe', even if they are, work as long as they keep you happy, as long as you like them. Please don't be harsh on yourself in the pursuit of turning yourself absolutely zero cringe. That won't happen. You're a living, breathing human. If you love, of course you'd be 'cringe' at some corner. 'Cringe' is not a bad thing. If you're sad, please know that it will be okay. (^ ^) I, too, was extremely sad just two days ago. But that is how life goes, isn't it? Cry it out if you will, but never stop believing that all pain will come to an end. It always does. And never stop loving. You are going to be just fine. You will be happy. Trust me :)

I have been doubting myself in every possible way for the last few days. I even doubted if I was good enough to love or be loved. But I forgot. Love does not see- how pretty you are, how skilled you are, what your game is. I had my insecurities, but it hurts the worst when you feel you don't deserve love. It's fine, really. Everyone deserves love. You, too, certainly do. Love isn't something that comes with merit. And no, this is not a merciful thing. You are never not good enough to feel loved. You are a human. You're a good human. And there's always a way for you to be what you'd like. Because it's *you*, something that's controlled only by *you*. So I chose to love <3

I hope the day stays like this.

the day is getting better. i'm falling in love with him, all over again.

i'm tired and frightened of everything. i'm tired of work, tired of study, tired of food, tired of sleep, tired of fear, tired of insecurity, tired of pain, tired of tears, of people, of buildings and of animals. i'm tired of longing, tired of sleepless nights, tired of growing up, tired of being admired. i'm tired of speaking, listening, observing, trying... trying so hard every damn day to get closer to what i want. i'm tired of being misunderstood. i'm tired of being yelled upon. i'm tired of fighting. i'm tired of breaking. i want to stop. i can't stop. there is no stop. i'm tired of being frustrated on. i'm tired of thinking. i'm tired of being human. i'm tired of being kind. i'm tired of sacrificing. i'm tired of apologizing.



i am tired of being sick, too. i am tired of holding back.



i don't understand. even as i write, i fear. i fear losing it all. i'm tired of it, yet i fear losing it. i am nothing, but a weak, weak human. i'm scared, frightened of myself, frightened of everything and of losing it. does it ever end? why do i have to be broken and torn so, so much for but one tiny moment of happiness? is it too much to ask for a bit of happiness, or a bit of love?



even right now, i want to stop. i want to sleep. i haven't slept. but i have to work. i don't even know why i'm writing this here. i am tired of caring about it.



i am tired of me.

AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AA

lol ge4

My favourite thing to do is acting like I was joking about something when I completely meant it. I walked into oldmate's room to kick his cat but I considered he would notice since she's loud, so I didn't. When he asked me what was up, I blatantly told him I was going to kick his cat, yet the company of one simple word would invalidate my intentions and paint me of pure idea, just by saying 'joking'. Until this instance, I hadn't realised its true potential, I should use this more.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

filthy, cold, repulsive-me

incandescent, warm, heartening-god

I want his blood dripping down my hands for the betrayal he has inflicted, for the repulsive knowledge he has planted into me. I want his capillaries bludgeoned and his skin decorated with all the beautiful colours of the rainbow. I want his face swollen and teared from oil boiled 200 degrees. I want his mind tormented and constantly stabbed by inhumane thoughts of himself until his inevitable demise. I want his heart to be so torn, he could only view everything as nothing but sloppy material which push him to his death.

I may hate him, just a lil bit.

No idea how the exam went. April will be my lucky month, lol.