with one set of my friends they love me dearly, they tell me i'm such a nice person and somehow they care for me so much. i don't understand how they do but it does feel really nice. i love them so much and they're the only people apart from my mom that i feel bad for when i think about ending my life. because i know those are the only people in my life it'll actually negatively impact.

but with my other friends i just dont feel that cared for. i feel kinda selfish to say that because they do care but they have a bad way of showing it. it really hurts to see your friend rant and say that they hate all their friends, like ok man what do you want me to say to that? should i even talk to you anymore? or will that also piss you off?

i just feel so strange. one set of friends adores me to death, the other barely acknowledges my existence. they all talk to each other but never me, i never get replies. it's weird

me and my boyfriend celebrated our eight-month anniversary yesterday. eight months may be a short time for a relationship out in the real world, but these eight months have given me so much hope and happiness. we celebrated our anniversary working together the whole day and ending the day with a beautiful movie- Weathering With You. "beautiful" is an understatement. it was so, so full of charm, it literally filled me right up with all the best feelings in the world. we're both currently in the phases of both of our lives which can make or break our careers. so, we work. what better than working with your partner by your side the whole day, when you know that all your work is gonna pay off for a whole life ahead with them?

i remember the day when i heard his voice after three whole years. i will never forget that joy on his face, the way his eyes lit up when he saw me on that camera. that was the light i fell in love with.

i'm so grateful i have him.

will post march photos soon :) hehe

i feel relatively lucky today compared to other days because i am perfectly in a position where there's only one thing i gotta do today- FINISH OFF AT LEAST TWO DAMN SUBJECTS! anyway, before i start, i came here to drop wisdom for the future me. more like, i'd like to remember whatever happened to me and how i got through it.

actually, the problem is very simple. problem is that i'm afraid of the future and of uncertainty. if i look at it, this problem is actually arising from one of the smallest possible reasons that lead to uncertainty. but because it's my problem, it's so blown up to me.

what is it, really? it is just that i'm a college student who needs good grades and enough skills to land a good job. i will build up skills over the summer, but for now, i have a concentrated few 20 days left till the semester exams. what do you do when you have exams coming up? simple. you study. and that's what i gotta do now, too.

if i study well, i'll score well. then i don't have to carry any worry or fear over the summer. then i can freely upskill (this is not a field that i'm interested in and yes it is sometimes painful- but for most part i really don't mind working for skills, so yeah). if i can do that i'll be confident by next semester. and once i am confident, the ball's in our court, baby. then i can freely spend time on things *I* like and want to learn. i think i'm at the perfect position to play, right now. all i need to do is keep balance.

it is true that i didn't score really great last time and it will take considerable work to bring that score up. but it's not impossible. the reward is fair enough for the work.

alrighty. let's do this!

how can i be doing nothing but still feel like i have no time for anything in my life? i think it's just because i sleep too much. well, actually i don't sleep enough. but i'm sleeping at the wrong times.

i used to be way worse about it. i'd stay up until 6-10am (sometimes even to 12pm) and then i'd sleep until 6-8pm. i'd always be starting my day when everyone else is ending theirs. i'm glad i've gotten better about that, but yesterday i did end up sleeping until 5pm after being awake for a bit in the morning.

i hope i'm not starting that cycle up again. tbh, i did like it, but my dad was getting really mad about it. i don't blame him, if i was him i'd despise me. useless 21 year old neet sleeping around all day, that'd piss anyone off that had to live with it.

but anyways, i don't go out and do anything, yet i always feel like i've lost the time for things i want to do. i can easily pick up a book i've been wanting to read, but i just never do throughout the day, and then by the time i want to it's super late and i'm too tired to do it. right now i want to work on my fic some more, but it's already 4:17am while i'm typing this. i don't think i should stay up any later than this.

when i die i want this song to be played at my funeral,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjDw6NVQDjA



i've been watching welcome to the nhk lately and this track stuck out to me instantly when i first heard it. it feels both devastating and beautiful. i doubt this would be played at my funeral, but i like the idea of it being played and therefore associated with me by everyone that heard it

This is nsfw content.

I don't want the knowledge of the universe anymore, all this material will not suffice me, love has been dirtied so much I cannot feel warmth. Our society condemns those who supposedly 'escape' through death, they are regarded as those who gave up out of weakness. But what if that was the test, to see which of us are strong enough to deem this world irrelevant and small, who can let go of the distractions that may anchor us. In multiple religions, the test is to live. Why does all this matter, matter?

Is to live a good distracted life filled with continuous desire really one which liberates us into a paradise?

Which one do I release? Me? Or give mercy to those good people before their sightedness?

Fucking weakkkkkkkkkkk

I want to drink alcohol and do something really painful to my body.

i went to the zoo today. my family has a poor financial situation, so i qualified to go to a zoo workshop for free. i did zoo keeper activites which was fun.

it was extremely hot the entire day though. i was turning into red cooked shrimp.



at the workshop, i was able to feed a tortoise lettuce and also pet it. unfortunately none of the tortoises wiggled their asses... but i think all of them were too old for that.



the zookeeper warned that tortoises have poor eyesight, and could bite your finger off if you sucked ass and looked another direction when you were feeding them. i became very cautious from this fear. definitely not the tortoises' fault for the biting thing though they seemed very nice. it's just a biological problem.



besides tortoises though, i saw giraffes. i had to scoop up the hay they shat in. i became free labor.

luckily, giraffe poop is very small. they're like pellets



i also saw capybaras, penguins, otters, wallabies, parrots and pigs. the pigs genuinely smelt horrible. they smelt like pure feces. penguins were nice. i felt my body temperature become colder around the water they inhabited.



oh i also saw lemurs.

a kid (that wasn't in the workshop group) referred to one of the lemurs as a leopard and one of the employees that was running the workshop said something like "how does he see a leopard?" and "they're two opposite animals.." lol

everyone is trying to convince me to learn how to tattoo and they're kinda winning