I had a dream where it was really windy and rainy and suddenly everything feel apart.

I was gonna mention this somewhere but like I don't have any other place to mention it other than here and I don't think I can tell any of my friends this either.



I would often hear my friends talk about wanting to enter a wlw relationship, which is good for them. But when I pictured myself with them I was oddly freaking out? I don't know why I did until now. Before today I just assumed it was because I just liked men (I consider myself aro though)



But then I realized today out of nowhere that it could have been because when I was like 8 years old I had this neighbor SA me frequently and she was a girl my age. Her younger brother did it too. I moved on from this when I moved away and I thought to myself something like this wouldn't really affect me anymore since I'm an adult.



Until now.



Maybe I'm scared of the same thing happening to me. I don't wanna say that I was in a relationship with my neighbor or anything but some part of me kinda feels something more than friends happened but not to the point of a relationship, but my brain still kinda associates with it when I think about other people. Ugh, I guess it makes sense right now. Maybe i'm scared of the same thing happening again.

bro make it stop it never went away

garlic and butter is good i just had them by having oil garlic and like butter



i put them in the microwave which sounds bad but i dont want to wash a paneach timei crave one



the salt is cruical



i had this nice garlic shrimp thing at one point and i miss it daily lol



also i feel bad for being scared of maya but i will be careful around them in general to be honest because want it to just be an online friend

ahhhhh my pack of chocolates are almost over

andi feel so sleepy and i cant' type normally without feeling weird :///

ueghhhhhhhhh

ueghhhhhhhhhhhhh

tfw you dont know why someone keeps asking you to go to this thing and its actually just because of a deal

ok now for an actual entry. so i feel tired from school in general already but it was a chill day.



and now im thinking about a lot of things



so i was planning to link this to my site but i thought this would be a good opportunity for me to vent about my social life or rather just a couple people



lets call this person... maya. maya is a good friend of mine, but also scares me a bit. they were considerate which i am happy about but they also confessed to me. and to be honest i dont think maya is my type because they seem to clingy to my liking. also there is an age gap which i dont think im comfy with even if we're both adults. also some actions kinda scare me because one time i updated something on my site and they found out immediately. i found this really creepy. but at the same time it was public so idk what this is. it makes me sad i feel this way because i know they just care about me a lot.



also...maya lives far away from me and i dont think i want long distance, but i never told them that, but im scared if i did they'd do something to "fix" that or like show up in my town. and i do not want that so i just softly rejected because its easier. and i didnt mention i kinda liked a friend of theirs (which ill call naoya). naoya is for another diary entry all together but tldr they aren't really nice and i dont think im a good fit for them. other than naoya and another i haven't really felt any feelings for a long time

so i decided to make this place my isolated diary, no one will ever know this is linked to my real self, so i can say whatever i want on here without feeling burdened to keep it all in, but still have people read it. its something i kinda need now