im friends with a perv, those fat & ugly grubby hands he has, like an arab caricature.always reaching towards something, thinks himself quite a smart guy too. grins like a hooker, and sins like a priest. reads a little nietzche once, and khalas! as they say. its unfortunate, i think i used to have a bit of a crush on him which is quite embarrassing for me. i have the taste of a self-flagellating insecure woman



eat eat eat eat. christ almighty. well that might also refer to me aha. masturbate like theres no tomorrow, my friend. dont you even have something like a mother? whether her a whore, or a junkie... whatever!



actually it comes to mind that i have a debate or something next weekend ? i remember agreeing to something the activity teacher proposed to me... i hadnt listened well and i surely cant remember now.



im watching salo, drunk & by mself. ive had better ideas. at 17 years old im ready to give it all up. im ready to be reborn again! let me be born, whoever he is that is in charge! do you hear me! cut yourself once and they never let you hear the end of it.god you had your chance to kill me and you didnt take it, so next time itll be my turn. ive picked an age where ill end it so as not to needlessly stretch this out. so, i figure. until then, whats the harm in just trying again? out of curiosity, clinical satisfaction, etc.

despite my excess drinking i really believe that everything is fine! im prepared for heaven's onslaught , as ive been since day one.today & every subsequent day & tomrrow. i really cant remember much at the moment, i wish there were a book store near me in english

i love 12 minute songs & i dont ever wanna get out of bed ヽ(´▽｀)ノ



when i was born, the doctors assumed i had asphyxiated in my mother's womb. its a common occurrence-- the umbilical cord gets stuck around that little baby's neck, theres even a word for that specific happening, but i cant remember it. usually, its perfectly harmless. but i was born dying. my skin was so dark they assumed the worst. i spent two days and one night in the hospital under those lights that help newborns-- ruben lights or whatever? everyone described it as a miracle. of course, i recovered but i think sometimes about being born in a state of prolonged desperation.



i used to think myself in circles over this; am i still stuck there? under surgery lights, unable to breathe? what if i am the way i am because of this? birth is the progenitor of all anxiety, since adam had his ribs torn from the wet hole carved in his side. i started life in a manner that has left me like the scared child, running around with piss-wet pants. constantly fleeing, assuming that at any moment the cord will come back around his neck and tighten. born with a noose around my neck, what irony!! is this why my brain feels programmed for suicide? is this why i cannot form connections? why i feel not fully materialized? maybe half of me is stuck in the womb-- dead. or maybe its here with me, dead. plenty of things are dead on earth. molested kids, prostitutes, guys who drive motorcycles with brakes that dont even work. damn the mother, the doctor, and every other baby born that day!!



anyway, thats a lot to say nothing, since in reality the manner of our birth has little to do with our life in comparison to the nature of our birth. i realized today i had accidentally starved myself for weeks. ive also been reading jonas mekas' diaries recently.... great stuff, there is a man who knows how to write, and been thru quite a lot too...

my first day back to school was two days ago. went exactly as i suspected. it sucks, but at least this year im allowed to bring my laptop to skl, so i think v3.5 might actually get finished some time soon.



i'd like to begin translating books into/out of arabic as a hobby, i think. maybe starting with some short stories or poetry? understanding one language is such a limitation-- i think frequently about how arabic speaking populations are subconsciously influenced by whats available to them, but i doubt the arabs would even use resources if they available to them.

bruh my brothers were watching parkour civ from evbo (or something similar? i wasnt actually listening lmao) and the '''overseer''' speaks from the sky and is a god stock character obviously, and my dad tweaked. at me & my eldest brother obvs. i will not allow you to ragebait me no matter WHAT IT TAKES 🌸



in better news, i went to an art museum. its funny how much puritanism rots the brain, since my parents would rush us out of any exhibit that displayed the faintest bit of nudity. its art, you philistine. is your own body that terrifying? but i still enjoyed it greatly, even though the african exhibit was closed-- and i was looking forward to that one the most o(╥﹏╥)o



afterwards we went to an ice cream parlor. good GOD quality in ice cream can actually be tasted. today i went to a froyo place, but the stuff wasn't near as good. quality from good ingredients can never be replaced



i ahdore the transatlantic accent. the esthetics of wealth are, unfortunately, very enticing to me, despite me leaning towards a socialist view of the world. im still reading theory though

so ive been running in this online space lately.its alright, but VERY chronically online.



anyways, every person ive interacted with closely has tried to diagnose me with SOMETHING, and all of them are 'tiktok trending disorders'.



at first someone posited the idea of me having conduct disorder (?????????) because.... i vape? and i showed a small lack of empathy once. but they reached out to someone else who claimed i could be an alter in a DID system. do you fucking hear yourself? the third and last person i tried talking with believed i must be hypersexual, tried to talk with me on matters of that regard (despite being 10 years older than me), & got butthurt when i showed disdain towards the idea of ME personally being a femboy. what the fuck.



im sick of this culture of everything being pathologized and used to line therapists pockets. just because im a tran doesnt mean i have to be fucked up in the head too. ive known for a while i have an noticeable empathy deficit, one that i can pretty much overcome with basic logic. mostly, its indistinguishable. i guess those armchair doctors have not interacted with other people since they that even the slightest lack of an emotional display makes me a psychopath on par with the guy from Split... it made me undeniably angry



in other news, i want to get into a game... any game.... perferably something with cute boys/girls with guns thats not too hard since im ass at everything (๑>؂•̀๑)ᕗ (also im hooked on using kaomojis theyre too cute)

its childish and stupid of me but nothing more easily frustrates me than internet people who walk around spouting they "love toxic yaoi/yuri!!1!" and then become puritans the second its actually toxic. arent you so quirky and special? such a terminally online problem i have, but still!! old man yells at cloud. these newgen hypocrites bastardizing everything they touch........ their idea of "toxic" is alien stage



this of course was brought on by an animated video i saw of someone's ocs, one being stalked and attacked by the other. very cool video & story, but the comments were full of "err guys... this is unhealthy and something no one would want in real life.... this isnt a relationship" duh! i cant help but become infuriated, as a true bred-and-born pervert (ᗒᗣᗕ)՞

its a new month... my birthday month!

ive been putting off updating my site since i cant deny the truth much longer... that i want to completely reimagine it. so v3 wont be v3, but rather v3.5...... what a bother ☹



i wanted to go to a stop the bleed class near me but registration is full. yes, my life is that boring that a first aid class wouldve been my idea of fun...

when i was a kid, i wanted to be a venture capitalist when i grew up. Lmao i think i just wanted to have a lot of money, which is understandable. it'll probably never happen, and i couldnt live w/ myself if it did. id prefer a career related to law

i always have understood that i dont have what it takes to be any sort of professional artist/cartoonist, but i still hold out hope to have time to be a hobbyist in my adult life. im class of '29 so all future jobs right now are a toss up. fingers crossed

so hungry today....but i love btas

i had a dream last night where i was in my childhood home but all the doors were gone, a la Skinamarink. i was walking around the home, just looking around, all while water pooled around my ankles, the water level continued rising, and i began panicking, trying to open windows or cry for help. nothing was working, and the water was reaching my neck. i cant swim, so i could barely move now. the second the water reached over my head, i switched perspective (?) and was watching my own body float on top of the water. i dont know how i was buyoant but its a dream ok. anyways, i was just there staring at my own corpse until i woke up. all things considering, its a better dream than others ive had recently. i dont think the meds are going to happen either.

my dreams have reached matters severe enough the doctors are conferring with my family as to possibly put me on some medication to stop me from dreaming... i wonder what that will be like.i doubt it will go thru



i have a very strong distate for muslims.its mostly from my own history as an exmuslim but the groups i run in online are very sensitive towards that kind of thing, even if its not in bad faith. its difficult.



weapons was a great movie. no spoilers.

you sure are cocky for someone who believes in such a cruel God! i don't even believe in God, and i'm scared of Him.



im going to see Weapons tmrw at the local cinema. should be fun. ive luckily avoided all spoilers for the movie, even though the script got leaked.

i burned my entire pizza in the oven because i was forgetful. i still ate it, very angrily.



there's someone i really NEED to be messaging back, but i have this dumb mental block where i just cant. im terrible at keeping friends online. i can really only do it in meatspace.

itd be very nice if i could meet the kind of people who i know that if i get into a mental state where i cant talk to anyone, i could feel safe knowing we'd still be friends once i pop back up in a few weeks or whatever.

im the 79th user on this site (at least i think)! its very cute, ill have to use it. considering i already have a blog set up on my site, i think ill use this as a microblog or dream journal.



id love if there were a way to password protect certain entries.....