im not even a fucking person. nothign will ever change. im awlays going ot be stuck here with no way out. i was born to be a tool used by my family and jsut when i thought i was free im still trapped. i will always be trapped and nothing will ever change. nothign chagnes nothing changes nothing ever ufkcing changes and im so tired of it,. im never goint to be happy.

haven't been feeling like a person recently.

living in a world where all of us are so lost in our own minds, yet so desperate for connection and touch is a special kind of horror. especially when im so lost in my senses. in the touch, the feel, the taste, the smell. at the end of the day, what do we have but our bodies?

i think about the quote "and if you love me, can you love your everything too, for me?" far too often.

in the context removed from library of ruina, i cannot think of a line that's as... not romantic, per say, but as loving as that one.

if you love me, can you love yourself too? can you see me as i see you? can you try to? if you love me, can you attempt to love yourself, for you are everything to me. and you are beautiful.

if you love me, can you love the person i devote myself to?

and in the context of ruina: if you love me, can you love for me? can you treat yourself how i wish i could treat you? can you, for me?

and the fact it's not inherently romantic. the fact this line was written for roland and angela, two friends who are reborn and recreated under each other's guidance. under their arguements. their differences. because at the end of the day, it doesnt matter what their labels are. the love was there, and for once it was enough.

and if roland loves angela, could he love himself ? because angela might not be able to love fully yet. but roland could love himself for her.

Obsessive, highly emotional, driven by guilt, shame and love. Unable to express herself fully, yet gets upset when people don't understand why she feels the way she does. Keeps a diary in the same way I do. Catherine Earnshaw (Limbus) and to an extent, Catherine (Wuthering Heights) gets me so much it feels like looking in a mirror. I understand how she feels, why she does the things she does, and why it hurts so much to know she can never love someone in the way she wants to. Oh, Catherine. The attention seeking, hyperemotional wreck you are. I get you.

I wish my love was not so cruel and so devoted. I wish my love was something to not be disgusted by. I wish people could fall victim to being loved by me without it destroying both of us in the end. I don't think I have the capabilities to love responsibly, to love without tearing everyone apart in the end.

Love, why do you fall through my fingertips like sand and tease me so with a world that I belong in?

Have you ever felt like a ghost in the world? Like the entirety of the "living world" moves on without you, and you're destined to watch as things move endlessly forward as you stand there. Watching. Waiting.

Sometimes I feel like that. Now more than ever. I feel like I'm not a person, just a concept.

today, i was feeling wildly upset. you do not understand the depths in which my malaise and depression went to, but i was miserable. then, i looked outside and was reminded that the world is beautiful and there is hope. then i stopped feeling upset completely. the world is so interesting.